A Bridge Called Understanding
by Nicky Evelyn
Summary: My version of S3. After leaving Camp Jaha, Clarke needs time alone to come to terms with everything, she needs to find out what her demons are actually about before she can even try to slay them. Lots of feels, lots of thoughts, lots of memories. Set after 2x16, so don't read if you are not caught up, because you will be spoiled. Eventual Clexa. Feedback much appreciated, thanks.
1. Episode 1

Clarke was alone. She had been ever since she had left Camp Jaha the day before. She didn't know for how long she would be out here by herself, all she knew was that she had to figure some things out, there were things she needed to come to terms with. There had been just too many events in rapid succession and each of them had left some kind of scar. Some bigger than others, but most of them on her soul, not her body. Before she could even think about returning she needed to give those scars a place. Most of them at least. The ones that itched the most.

She could feel the loneliness eating at her, even though it was her only companion by choice. She wasn't moving much, just every now and then to toss something into the fire. All the responsibility had been shrugged off of her shoulders. She needed this time, no saving everybody's lives, no mercy killing of someone she loved, no pulling any levers. Right now she wasn't responsible for anyone but herself. It was something she had desperately needed. She had cried most of her time out here. She could finally let herself go, finally able to actually process the things that had happened, to be vulnerable, to be eighteen and in pain. She felt like she was in a never ending battle with her own conscience, a battle she feared she was losing. She needed this alone time. Right now, she was just Clarke, and Clarke needed to figure things out. Badly.

"_Clarke, you don't have to do this."_

"_Yes I do. If this truce doesn't hold, I killed Finn for nothing."_

Her mother's words and her own echoed in her mind over and over again as she stared into the fire as if the answers she was looking for were somehow hidden in the flames. Clarke had replayed everything in her head many times over, trying to figure out what happened exactly. She got her people out, but at what price? Bellamy said he forgave her. The price of getting their people out was not too high, they had to do what they did. He had forgiven her. She realized he also had to forgive himself, because he too pulled the lever, they had done it together, killing everyone in the process. If they hadn't, all of her own people would be killed, all her people would have died a horrible death by the hands of butchers. To stop it, she had to kill the entire population of Mount Weather, including the ones that were against the harvesting of the Sky People.

If only Lexa hadn't betrayed them…

But had she? Clarke had asked herself this question more times than she could count. Had Lexa betrayed them? Had she not given her many warnings that she might? She had shut down her emotions, she had stopped caring for people, all in order for her to be able to make the right decisions, the decisions that saved her people and that indirectly had forced Clarke to kill everyone inside the mountain. Clarke kept telling herself she should have seen it coming.

She was furious, of course. She felt betrayed, devastated, crushed, heartbroken even. She was furious at Lexa, but even more so, she was furious at herself. Because she should have seen it coming. She thought she had touched Lexa on an emotional level, she was still sure of that. Was her mistake believing that the change in Lexa was so radical that it was permanent? That Lexa would now be loyal no matter what? She had touched Lexa's heart, hadn't she? They had shared a connection and she didn't believe that Lexa had been leading her on all this time, she believed that Lexa's feelings for her were genuine. The idea of the Mountain Men offering Lexa a deal hadn't even crossed her mind, let alone any deal that didn't include her people. She simply hadn't considered it. That was Clarke's mistake, not Lexa's.

Did she kill Finn for nothing? She didn't think so. Trying to look past the pain of betrayal and the agony of hearing Lexa say they weren't part of the deal, she kept asking herself if she had, but she couldn't get herself to say yes. She didn't kill Finn for nothing. In the end, she got her people out, that wouldn't have been possible without the Grounders, she was sure of it. If it had just been the people of the Ark, they wouldn't have made it as far as they had, even with Lexa's deal with the Mountain Men. If it had been just Ark survivors, her people would still be trapped inside the mountain and the people that weren't inside the mountain would have been attacked by Lexa's army and likely wiped out.

No matter how she looked at it, the end result was that she got her people out. The only thing that might have been avoided if Lexa hadn't made the deal, was Clarke pulling the lever, irradiating level five. Lexa's betrayal turned her into a mass murderer. 'No, not her betrayal,' she thought. 'I burned three hundred Grounders alive, that's when I became a mass murderer. Lexa sent them to kill us and I burned them all alive to save us all.'

Clarke swallowed at the thought. She wiped a tear from her cheek, grabbed a piece of wood and tossed it into the flames. A mass murderer? Her? Clarke? Not three months ago she was drawing the ground and the sky on the floor of her cell on a space station. Now she was responsible for the deaths of hundreds of people. Was that Lexa's fault? Clarke was just trying to keep her people alive.

But so was Lexa.

Clarke snapped a twig in half, frustrated with everything, so done with all of it. In a way she felt like Lexa brought out the worst in her but that wasn't a thought she wanted to think and she didn't want to believe it either. She wondered if she had to believe it, if it was true. She had made decisions that had cost people their lives. But those decisions had saved a lot of lives too, she knew that. Burning the Grounders at the drop ship had saved all the kids that were sent to the ground. The ones that had made it that far, anyway. Her thoughts went back to the missile attack on Tondc. She could have warned them, but she hadn't. Was that the right call? Two hundred and fifty lives lost, to save one man. No, not one man. Their inside man, responsible for taking down the acid fog, so they could save everybody trapped inside the mountain. How many were inside, she wondered. Forty seven of her people, and how many Grounders? There had to have been at least two hundred of them inside, or it wouldn't have been a very good trade. She had no idea how many there had been but it didn't matter anymore.

Does Lexa bring out the worst in me? The thought lingered in her mind for a while while she tried to disprove it because she simply didn't want it to be true. She had called Lexa heartless. She didn't think that was true either. Not really. She could be, but she did have a heart, a heart that cared about people, no matter what she claimed. But Lexa was able to separate her heart from her head when she had to, something that Clarke wasn't capable of. Or was she? She did kill everyone inside the mountain, was that heartless? No, she did it to save her people, she did what she had to do.

Just like Lexa.

Lexa trusted her, she told her this. Clarke had felt all kinds of emotions when she heard her say the words. Sympathy, compassion, a feeling of accomplishment, pride. She was proud of herself for being able to get this Commander of thousands of Grounders to trust her. She felt warmth too, because she wanted that trust, it mattered to her. Not just to keep the truce intact, or to keep Octavia alive, but because Clarke cared about her, she cared about her on a personal level, because this Commander made her heart beat a little bit too fast. Lexa trusted her. Her trust was worth something too. Hadn't Clarke kept her end of the deal? She had. She would have gone all the way.

"_What did you do?"_

"_What you would have done."_

Would she really have done the same, had this deal been offered to her instead? She didn't think so. There were many reasons why she wouldn't have. One of them was the ethical side, the moral implications of it. She didn't think she could have done that to Lexa, but since she was offered no deal, she simply didn't know. Another very important reason was that they were on this planet now and breaking the deal with the Grounders would have meant breaking the truce. The Grounders still outnumbered them greatly, so that would have been making a deal to get out of a bad situation but into one that was probably much worse. They'd get their people out, but the Grounders would most likely be out for blood, even though Lexa would understand in a way why she would have done it. It wouldn't matter, blood for blood, it was the way of the Grounders. They would have come, all of them. Lexa was able to make the deal because she wouldn't have the problem of fearing the Sky People because of her majority in numbers. She had the luxury to break the deal, Clarke didn't. Lexa knew this. Clarke needed Lexa to get her people out. Lexa needed Clarke up to a certain point to get hers out but was able to make a deal that saved all her people when the opportunity presented itself.

Lexa said that she trusted Clarke. Is that what she meant? Did she trust her because she knew Clarke had no other options? What about trusting her as a person? Her instincts, her feelings. That's what she wanted Lexa to trust in her, what she wanted her to mean and what she thought she meant when she said it. Had she been wrong? Clarke still couldn't get herself to answer that yes, she had been wrong. Her instincts were telling her now that Lexa trusted Clarke the person, not Clarke who had no choice. She didn't think she had been wrong about the connection they had shared, but still, it was that same connection that Lexa chose to betray.

Clarke breathed out heavily. It bothered her that with everything going on, she was doubting Lexa's feelings, if she had been used by her. In her heart she didn't believe it. What bothered her as well is that she had trusted Lexa. No, that's not what it was. She shook her head. She had trusted her, but she didn't think she'd been wrong about that. She didn't think she'd been used. She believed that if Emerson hadn't offered Lexa another way, Lexa would have kept her end of the deal. Clarke was pretty sure she had no plans in motion to betray her or anything like that. She only did so when betraying Clarke meant saving all her people.

'So why am I so mad?' Clarke asked herself. 'Who am I mad at? At Lexa. No. Yes. No, I should have seen it coming. Why didn't I see it coming? Because I thought I broke down her walls. I thought we had a connection and it meant something. It did though, it did mean something.' She was sure it meant something to Lexa as well. She still didn't think she had been wrong about that. Clarke feared that her mistake was believing that Lexa would choose with her heart because Clarke had managed to reach it.

"_And you're willing to risk everything on that? On your feelings?"_

"_Yes. You say having feelings makes me weak, but you're weak for hiding from them. I might be a hypocrite, Lexa, but you're a liar. You felt something for Gustus, you're still haunted by Costia, you want everyone to think you're above it all but I see right through you."_

Was that her mistake? That she was willing to risk everything on her feelings? Lexa wasn't willing to. Clarke thought she had struck a nerve when she told her she was a liar, that she saw right through her. She saw the impact that it had on her, how she had taken Lexa completely out of her comfort zone. Clarke realized that this wasn't a position Lexa found herself in often, on the defensive. She was the one giving orders to everyone, not the one being told off. Clarke instinctively sensed that her being able to put Lexa in that position was both a risk and a declaration of some kind. Or acknowledgement. Of what exactly? Equality? Something like it. She had been wrong though, she couldn't see right through her. Partly, yes, but not completely, she knew that now. If she really could, she would have seen this coming. But she did hit a nerve, she was sure of that too. It had brought down Lexa's walls slightly and Lexa did open up, Clarke witnessed a vulnerability in Lexa she hadn't seen before. Lexa even admitted to caring about her. She had kissed her even. A wonderful kiss, intimate, gentle, tentative. They had truly shared something, she was sure of it. She was sure Lexa was sure of it too. But Lexa had betrayed her anyway.

'My mistake was trusting Lexa to choose me,' Clarke thought. 'I was stupid enough to think that what we shared was something special. No, that's not it. It was special, I wasn't wrong about that.' Clarke shook her head as another tear fell from her cheek and fell into the flames she was sitting above. It had been special. It had been special to them both.

"She still betrayed you." Clarke said out loud to nobody but the flames. 'No', she thought, 'she practically warned me she would. She told me love is weakness. Caring about others puts your own people at risk. Lexa cared about me, she still does. But caring about me wasn't a good enough reason to not take that deal and ensure all of her people survived. Did she really betray me? Did she not warn me that love is a weakness?' She also said that her heart shows no sign of weakness. Because her heart was capable of love? To Clarke, that would have been a good explanation. Clarke knew that when Lexa had said it, that's not what she had meant. So what did she mean exactly? That she would do what she had to do to get her people out? Because she had. She killed all the Mountain Men, even the children, even the people that had helped them. 'My heart shows no sign of weakness then? If that were true, wouldn't I be with my own people now? Celebrating with everybody else that we got them out? Why am I not with them? Because I can't deal with what I did?'

"_I bear it, so they don't have to."_

The words of Dante, echoed by herself to Bellamy, right before she left the Camp. 'I bear it. Is that weakness? Bearing it? Am I bearing it? Am I dealing with it? No. Or am I? Is this dealing? What am I doing? Finding answers? Trying to understand?' She realized she understood Dante better now. She knew he had been locked up because he didn't want the 47 to get harvested like cattle. He was fine with harvesting the Grounders though, with turning them into reapers. He wasn't innocent here, he deserved to die. Did he, though? He died in the end because she needed leverage for Cage. She needed him to know she was serious.

"_I didn't want this."_

The words she spoke, right before she shot him in the chest. She had meant it with all she had. If only Cage had just listened. If only he had just given in. Everybody in that mountain would still be alive and Clarke wouldn't have become a mass murderer. No, she already was. The drop ship massacre, the bombing of Tondc, it was too late for that. So killing an entire population of a mountain doesn't matter, because she was already a mass murderer? No, every life mattered. Cage had left her no choice and she hated him for it. She didn't want this. She really didn't, but she'd done it all. Dante didn't want this either. She'd heard about Dante helping Jasper getting Monty and Harper back, he had helped Bellamy as well. He didn't want this, she knew it. His heart was against it. However, when it came down to it, he suggested to Cage to make a deal with Lexa. Why didn't he just suggest he surrender completely? Or maybe he did and Cage wouldn't have it. Dante saw a way out, even if that meant the death of the Sky People. He took the only option he could think of to save his people. Lexa accepted the deal, sacrificing her new allies and knowingly crushing the heart and spirit of someone she wished she could keep instead. She took the deal to save her people. When Clarke realized Cage wasn't giving in, irradiating level five and killing everyone inside was the only way that Clarke could think of to get her people out. She took the only option she had to save her people.

How were any of them any different?

As much as she hated his choices, she understood Dante. What would she have done in his situation? They were trapped inside the mountain for ninety seven years. Would they have survived at all if they hadn't used Grounder blood for medicine? Would the people of the Ark have made the same choices? Clarke told herself they wouldn't have, but she couldn't get herself to fully believe it. Didn't they kill people just as easily? Their own people were floated for the smallest of crimes to save the ones those that followed the rules. And even those that didn't break the rules were killed, over three hundred with one press of a button. They volunteered, yes, but still, they died, to buy some time for others. One hundred kids were sent to the ground to their possible radioactive death, so the ones on the Ark might know if they could live down there and again, to buy the rest of them some time.

And what about the Grounders? Gustus tried to save his Commander's life the only way he knew how and gets tortured and killed for it. An entire village is sacrificed for a chance to save the ones that are held captive inside the mountain. Just for a chance. Mountain Men, Sky People, Grounders, were they really any different? Were Clarke and Lexa any different?

Clarke sighed deeply. So much made sense to her, but didn't. Other things didn't make sense at all, yet she somehow understood. It was all too much. Clarke was exhausted, from the battle that never was, from the agonizing realization that Lexa had made a deal that didn't include her and was leaving her all alone, from seeing Emerson's smug face and wanting nothing more than to shoot him right there, from the ordeal inside the mountain, the standoff with Cage, seeing her mother on that table and not being able to do anything about it, shooting Dante, pulling the lever, everything had come crashing down on her and she was completely spent.

This was the second night she was alone after she had refused to enter Camp Jaha. The loneliness was itching, but it was an itch she had to bear. She had to be alone right now, she had to make sense somehow of everything that had happened, everything that was done to her, everything that she was forced to do to others.

She hadn't wanted any of this. Her people were alive, most of them anyway, so she had completed her mission. But now what?

"_What will you do when it's over?"_

"_I have no idea."_

"_Well, what do you want?"_

"_Nothing. My people back. I can't think past today."_

Her people back. After that, she didn't know. She still didn't know. She had her people back, she wanted nothing else. She had expected to find a new purpose after they had accomplished their mission, after they got everyone out. But that was when she still thought they would fight their way in, get all their people out, while trying to spare the innocent. But everything had changed. She had gotten her people out, all she had to do was wipe out a small civilization of people that had survived on Earth for nearly a hundred years. That wasn't something she had considered to be one of the options and she wasn't ready to move on just yet. She wasn't ready to look ahead into the future and join the rest of her people, to start building their society and be all smiles. She just couldn't. 'I bear it, so they don't have to.' she thought again. But that meant she was on her own now. By her own choice, yes, but it didn't feel like a choice to her. She just couldn't be around them, knowing what she had to go through to get them there. They can start living. She just wasn't ready for it.

"_You think our ways are harsh, but it's how we survive."_

Lexa's words. She finally started to truly understand the full meaning. It's how you survive, by being ruthless. The ground had been a dream for everyone on the Ark for so many years. She had drawn the ground, what she pictured it would look like, or what she had seen in old TV footage. It was supposed to be a dream, a dream where anything was possible. That last part sure was true. Anything was certainly possible, considering the ground had turned them all into killers, into warriors. That hadn't been part of the dream, but it had become their reality.

"_Maybe life should be about more than just surviving."_

'Was I still dreaming when I said that?' Clarke sighed deeply as she asked herself. 'Was I still the good guy then? Am I the good guy now? Life should be about more than just surviving, it should be about living. Just surviving isn't enough, is it? Why survive if you have nothing to live for? That's what she had meant when she said it. Life should be about caring for others, about finding joy, a purpose, finding friendships, relationships, love, finding happiness. If all you do is survive, what's the point without all that? Yet it all seems to come down to it. All we did so far down here is survive.' she thought. 'We haven't lived yet. The rest of my people can start living now, finally.' She knew her huge role in that and despite the price that was paid by both victims and her conscience, she knew why she had done it all. She, together with so many others like Jasper, Monty, Kane, Octavia, Raven, Wick, her mother Abby, all of them had played a pivotal part, the list was endless. Even outsiders like Lincoln and Maya. Poor Maya, the revolutionary who couldn't stand by and do nothing and paid the final price for it.

Bellamy. Brave Bellamy, he went into the lion's den. He risked his life, just so they would have a chance. He pulled through, Clarke's faith in him wasn't misplaced. She had believed in him, she believed that he could do it and he got it done. She was eternally grateful, something she would never have imagined on that first day on Earth. How much had he changed? So much that she found it difficult to compare the boy he was to the man he had become. She was grateful that he shared with her the burden of pulling the lever, that fatal lever that she didn't want to pull.

"_My sister, my responsibility."_

"_I have to save them."_

"_Together."_

That's what he had said. He had really stepped up, he had become one of the key people she could count on, she owed him so much and was beyond happy that he had made it out alive, that he was back at Camp Jaha, reunited with his sister. She was glad for the rest of the Sky People too, that he was there for them. They had Bellamy to help them, they had Octavia and Lincoln. They had all of them. They were lucky. They could all start living. Finally.

And Clarke? What was she going to do? She didn't know. Right now she was still staring into the fire, the bright glow of the flames worked in unison with the heat and stung her eyes, making them water. Every now and then, a silent tear would drop into the flames. Whenever this happened the flames would hiss at her, almost mocking her for wanting to believe her tears weren't the product of her grief. But they were. Her tears were for those initial 100 that she couldn't save. For Atom, she first life she took when the acid fog had caught him. For Wells, who she had hated for all the wrong reasons. Thankfully she had realized the truth in time but before they had a chance to really rebuild their friendship, a little girl tried to slay her demons by plunging a knife into his neck. Wells had knowingly taken the fall for the actions of Clarke's mother, then he unknowingly took the fall for the actions of his own father because he was the next best thing. By attempting to slay her demons, Charlotte had summoned new ones that she didn't know how to fight and thus surrendered herself to them by throwing herself off a cliff.

Clarke cried for Anya, the brave warrior who died right after finally agreeing to work with her, by bringing Clarke's proposal to her Commander. Would things have been different if she hadn't died that night? If she had talked to Lexa, who had been her second long ago? Where would they have been now? Clarke would never know.

She cried for Finn, who she had to kill to spare him a fate way worse than death, for Raven, who had to live without the full use of her own legs and without her lifelong friend and love to help her deal with that. She cried for the Grounders that were burnt alive at the drop ship, for the villagers of Tondc that died in the missile attack that she could have saved but didn't just so she could keep the chance alive. Her tears were for the ones that were killed inside the mountain for their bone marrow, those that didn't survive long enough to be rescued. Her tears were for Maya, who stood up to her own people because she believed in something and died for it, for Jasper because he lost her and thought he could have saved her if he had killed Cage, for believing he would have succeeded if he only had one more minute. She cried for Octavia, who had been accepted by the Trigeda and had finally found a place to call home, but who was cast out because she chose her brother, the only person that had loved her unconditionally all her life. Clarke cried for all the people that had lived inside the mountain for almost a century, who were just trying to stay alive but died because Cage had a dream that he couldn't let go of. Cage's dream became the nightmare that ended their existence. Clarke cried for them too.

But mostly, she cried for Lexa.

"_You should come with me to the Capitol. Polis will change the way you think about us."_

"_You already have."_

She had meant it, Lexa had changed the way she thought about the Grounders, radically. For a brief moment, she had actually considered taking Lexa up on her offer, before her mind was forced to focus on the upcoming battle again. Going to the Capitol with Lexa, it was something she had wanted to say yes to, something she'd definitely consider, but there hadn't been time to really think about it in the midst of everything so she had pushed those wishes and plans aside. What mattered now was that they got everybody out. There would be time to think about the future later, when this was all over. Right there, on the verge of the battle, giving Lexa's offer any kind of serious thought was a luxury she simply didn't have.

Just like Lexa didn't have the luxury to not take the deal. 'Do I blame Lexa?' Clarke wondered. 'Do I hate her for doing what she did? Yes. No. Lexa did what she had to do to save her people.' Clarke bit her lip while she admitted it to herself. She didn't want to admit it, but in her heart she knew it. She couldn't blame Lexa. She wanted to with all she had, but she couldn't.

"_Bellamy is counting on you, everyone's always counting on you."_

"_Well, what do you want from me?"_

"_You trusted Lexa!"_

Octavia's accusing words had sliced through her like a blunt dagger, they had hit her harder than Octavia would probably ever know. Clarke realized that Octavia blamed her and even though she kind of agreed, her words had still hit her like a sack of bricks. Replaying them in her head, Clarke bit her lip hard, hoping somehow that the pain would make it sting less. It didn't. Looking back, she told herself that she should have considered the possibility of the Mountain Men making Lexa a deal and done something about it, somehow, before they could even make her the offer. She should have thought of all the angles, she should have come up with a backup plan for all of them. She should have known Lexa would choose her people. She should have made a plan for when Lexa was presented with a choice, but somehow she never considered that to be an option and she was mad at herself for it.

"It's my fault." Clarke whispered to no one but herself.

It was like saying it out loud made it real, made it the truth. Admitting it to herself was supposed to make her feel better. Why didn't it? It was her fault. But what was? Was there a fault? In the end, everybody got out, didn't they? She got them out, her people were safe, she did it. So what was her fault exactly? Having to kill everyone in the mountain? No, that was Cage. If he had just surrendered, if he had just let everybody go, or hadn't taken her people in the first place, everybody in there would still be alive. So no, that's not on her, that's on Cage. Clarke knew she had to pull the lever, she didn't want to but Cage had left her no choice. She wasn't sorry she had done it because it meant she was able to save everyone she cared about. She wasn't sorry she had done what she had, but she was sorry that everybody had to die because she had to. She was sorry there was no other way, but not that she had done it. She had no choice, so she couldn't reasonably allow herself to regret that decision, even if it meant that all those people died, even the ones that helped them.

So what am I blaming myself for, then? Clarke's own thoughts were filled with confusion. She was furious at Lexa, but also she wasn't. Lexa's betrayal had indirectly led to Clarke being forced to pull the lever. And she had, saving them all, they were safely at Camp Jaha. She had accomplished the mission, so why was she so mad at herself? What was it that stung more than anything else did? What was her fault?

The constant thoughts that kept jumping back to Lexa and what they had shared, they weren't helping. Clarke was still furious, at Lexa, at Cage, at herself, at anything. It made her thoughts travel in circles and she felt like she kept getting stuck in the same place. She was furious at herself for putting all her faith in this one person, a person who had practically made it clear that jumping ship was exactly what she would do if it meant saving her people. She was mad at herself for believing that what they shared between them would be the exception, that what they shared was special enough for Lexa to change her ways. She was mad for believing that she could soften Lexa's heart in the first place, or that she should even want to. She was mad because she allowed herself to believe she had succeeded because of what they had shared. Clarke was so mad. How could she have been so blind?

Because Lexa had touched her heart. 'Did that create a blind spot? Is that why I didn't see it coming?' Clarke had allowed herself to feel, she had allowed herself to bond with her, to form a unique connection, touched by Lexa in a way she never imagined, believing the same was true for her. Had she been wrong? They were both young women who were put in an almost impossible position where deciding over life and death was a daily occurrence, who had to lead their people onto a path unknown into the heart of the enemy, who care for others but can't afford to do so, for it puts more lives at risk. Their unique relationship had grown into one of mutual respect and admiration, had evolved into something more, something intimate. Something special.

"_Two hundred and fifty people died in that village. I know you felt for them, but you let them burn."_

"_Not everyone. Not you."_

She remembered the emotions that those words woke up inside her when Lexa uttered them, she also remembered her heart skipping a beat. Lexa truly cared about her. The confirmation of it had shaken her up more than she was able to show in that very moment since they were in something of a standoff about Octavia's life. That didn't change the fact that for a moment she was taken aback, even speechless. While realizing what Lexa had just admitted to, she had to get herself back together even though her thoughts were racing a mile a minute. She knew that right now, she had to use that somehow to get the mark off of Octavia.

"_Well, if you care about me, then trust me. Octavia is not a threat."_

"_I can't do that."_

Hearing Lexa say those words definitely stung, because Clarke wanted Lexa to trust her. She could hear the reluctance in Lexa's voice when she uttered the words, she knew Lexa wanted to trust her, but simply couldn't afford to do so. She understood why she couldn't if she put herself in Lexa's position, but still, she had hoped she'd have earned Lexa's trust by now. Later she realized that that wasn't even a factor. It wasn't about earning trust from Lexa as much as Lexa feeling like she could afford to give it. Clarke knew enough about Grounder culture to understand the reasoning behind it, but she also knew she wasn't going to let anything happen to Octavia. She trusted Octavia and she needed Lexa to know that. She also still needed Lexa to trust her, not just as an ally, but on a personal level. She wanted Lexa to trust Clarke's feelings. She needed her to know that sometimes, trust your heart, listen to it, take a risk. So Clarke took a risk right there.

"_I can't sacrifice my people anymore. If you do anything to hurt Octavia, I'll tell everyone we knew about the missile."_

She took a risk, but it was a risk she had to take. She also wanted to make a point, to show Lexa how sure she was about Octavia, that she was even willing to risk the coalition of the twelve clans for it, even if in truth, she didn't want that to happen at all. It would hurt the both of them, since they needed the army that came with the coalition. Clarke was that sure about Octavia and about her instincts, so Clarke drew strength from wherever she had some left and drew the line. She had no idea how she had managed to sound as strong and determined as she had, but was grateful to whatever had made it so. As soon as Clarke left the tent, the full impact of what had just happened came crashing down on her hard. She had to take a moment to regain herself, breathing in and out heavily as the implications of all of it found a place in her mind but mostly, in her heart. Lexa really cared about her.

She hadn't expected to be so affected by it. Heck, she hadn't even really allowed herself to think past 'truce'. There was no room for love and for all she knew, there wasn't even room for attraction, so the thought hadn't really crossed her mind. Yes, she admired Lexa as a leader and as a person, she respected her, she even liked her, she liked the person that she was. She had noticed that Lexa was a beautiful young woman, but beyond that, she hadn't really considered anything else, maybe because the thought of being romantically involved with the Commander of all Grounder Clans seemed like such an impossible and crazy idea, her subconscious mind hadn't allowed her to go there even for a moment.

Yet now, her conscious mind had taken over and together with her belly burning just long enough in the right spot right after Lexa had uttered the words 'Not you.', Clarke realized that she didn't want it to be an impossible idea. Her and Lexa, together? As crazy as it sounded, now that the idea was there, now that the thought had crossed her mind, now that Lexa had admitted to her feelings, she couldn't shake it off.

Lexa actually had feelings for her. Hearing her admit it was exactly what made Clarke realize that she most definitely had feelings of her own for the Commander, feelings that were already there, but had been buried beneath layers of responsibility to her people, beneath the common goal they both shared and were working towards, kept hidden by her own subconscious, keeping her own feelings a secret even to herself. Hearing Lexa admitting to her feelings was all it took to make them come right up to the surface. The secret was out and it was here to stay. What else this meant, Clarke had no idea. Maybe it meant nothing, having feelings doesn't mean you always get to act on them. But maybe it does. There has to be more to life than just fighting for survival, right? In between the web of confusion about what this meant, she sure hoped so.

Whatever it meant, all of it had taken Clarke by surprise, she hadn't expected this reaction from herself at all, yet the more she thought about it, the more it made perfect sense. She turned around and looked back at the tent that had Lexa still inside and she had to convince herself that this had actually just happened. She was feeling a mixture of emotions, she felt a sense of joy, even sparks, replaying the words Lexa spoke ignited a warmth inside her that she didn't know how to douse, or even if she wanted to. She was also confused when an image of Finn briefly flashed before her eyes and she almost felt guilty. She also felt a faint sense of hope and a distant feeling of nausea that she could do without, but she recognized it as a symptom of nervousness. She also sensed a weird sense of expectation, or better said, of anticipation. Despite her confusion, it surprised her how good it felt, which was also the part that was scary as hell, because confusion or not, she knew what it meant as she turned her back to the tent. She took a deep breath and released it slowly, as if the air she was breathing in and out were all the various implications of it all, coming to her in slow motion because she couldn't handle it faster than that.

Once she was alone, she allowed herself to think about it more. Asking herself if she was sure she hadn't understood her wrong, if maybe Lexa had actually meant she simply cared about her as a friend, as an ally, as someone she needed to work with so she could get her people out of the mountain. But Clarke could feel it, she instinctively knew that Lexa meant something else, something more, something deeper, something intimate. She just knew. She had tried not to think about it too much since they were about to go to war and there were things to do, people to save, yet Clarke found it very hard to simply let it go, even though soon there would be a battle to fight and things would get even crazier than they were now.

When one of Lexa's guards showed up to request Clarke's presence in the Commander's tent, she knew it had to have something to do with Octavia. After all, that was the origin of their confrontation earlier. Whether what she was about to hear was going to be a good thing or a bad thing, she didn't know. She would once again be surprised. By everything.

Love is weakness. Lexa's words. She had spoken them to her more than once. She had loved Costia, someone who was brutally murdered just for being the one Lexa had given her heart to. She had paid for that gift of love with her life and Clarke knew that even though Lexa claimed to have stopped caring about people because it made her weak, Clarke knew that it was a mask Lexa wore to hide the fact that she did care. She could see it clearly when she ran the sword through Gustus, someone whose crime was protecting his beloved Commander by betraying the alliance. She cared about the people in Tondc, she would have handled things differently if she had other options, but she didn't. Other options meant risking Bellamy would be discovered, which would erase any hope any of them had to ever get inside and free their people. It was a risk she simply couldn't take. She did care about them, but they died to save the many, so she let it happen. But she cared and as it turns out, she trusted. In Clarke. When Lexa spoke the actual words, to Clarke they sounded like the sweetest melody.

"_Octavia has nothing to fear from me. I do trust you, Clarke."_

'I do trust you.' Clarke hadn't realized how much she wanted to hear Lexa say those very simple words until she actually heard her say them. When Lexa told her that Octavia had nothing to fear from her, Clarke was hesitant at first, not knowing Lexa's reasoning. Lexa was backing down, but Clarke didn't know why, she didn't really understand it yet. She hadn't actually expected Lexa to give in so easily, which was why Clarke wasn't sure about it. Lexa had given in, but why? If she can't trust her, then why? Clarke was slightly confused, not sure what to make of it.

That's when Lexa looked down at the table, hesitated for a brief moment before almost reluctantly admitting that she trusted Clarke. It was almost like she didn't want to but she simply couldn't help it. Like she was trying to convince herself she should know better because every fiber in her being told her that feelings are a weakness. Yet here she was, not only having admitted to herself that she trusted Clarke and her feelings over her own rational mind, but she also felt the need to let Clarke know about it, to let Clarke know she cared about her and that she trusted her. It made the words she spoke even more powerful than they already were.

'I do trust you, Clarke.' The words could not have been simpler, but the meaning was anything but that. Clarke knew what this actually meant, how important this was. It meant that Lexa was making a choice, one that went against everything she had ever known or had ever done. She chose to place her trust in Clarke and in doing so, chose to take the huge risk that came with it. Lexa chose to go against her very nature and Clarke was the reason why. The importance was clear to Clarke immediately, she understood exactly how big the leap of faith was that Lexa was taking, a leap of faith she would otherwise never consider, had it been any other person but Clarke.

The full meaning of it had filled her heart with all kinds of joy, with a sense of pride, she could feel the warmth in her heart for Lexa, who was placing all this trust in her. Ruthless Lexa who decides everything with her head and not with her heart, had chosen to listen to her heart this time and her heart was telling her to trust Clarke. Considering the revelations of earlier that day and the realization that Lexa meant a lot more to Clarke than she had realized a day ago, hearing this second admission from the young Commander warmed her heart more than she'd care to admit. Since she was still getting used to the mere idea of Lexa as someone she was romantically interested in, she was trying not to lose sight of the bigger picture, however, that bigger picture seemed to blur into the background and all Clarke could see was Lexa. Lexa, who had just taken an enormous step into the unknown. Clarke wasn't sure where it would lead yet, but she knew that it mattered to her that Lexa had taken that step to begin with. A lot.

During all their conversations about love being a weakness, about how caring puts those you love in danger, deep down Clarke had wished that Lexa would see things more from her side, that she would be less ruthless, more forgiving, that she'd rule with her heart instead of her iron fist and her sword. She felt like this had taken her a tiny step closer to accomplishing that and she couldn't help but smile inside, knowing that she was the one that made it happen, that she was important enough to Lexa to make that tiny change possible. She was grateful for it, honored even, proud. But most of all, as Lexa silently stood before her, unsure of what her own conflicting feelings would lead to, what Clarke felt was a strong feeling of affection that went so deep and felt so pure that she was almost afraid of what her own heart was telling her in that moment. She knew there was no denying it anymore, even if she cared to try.

She knew enough not to, she knew herself better than that, yet she was also trying not to drown in it either. She wanted to stay focused on the battle to come, but in this very moment found herself failing miserably, because all she could see was this beautiful, young, strong woman standing before her, someone she had only just realized was someone she desired. This woman who had sworn off caring about people when losing the one she loved had left a hole in her heart she never thought could be filled. This woman, this ruthless young woman who claims love is a weakness, this woman was now allowing Clarke a glimpse into her own heart by allowing her to see a vulnerable side of her that Clarke didn't think a lot of people had ever seen or would ever see. Now she was showing Clarke that side of her, Clarke knew that Lexa had taken more than just a leap of faith here.

"_I know how hard that is for you."_

Understanding exactly what kind of gesture Lexa had just made, Clarke wanted her to know that she understood the implications of what was said, what was felt, of what was shared between them just now. Clarke had strongly felt the need to reassure Lexa that she wasn't placing her trust in the wrong person, but that she was placing it into the hands of someone who recognized the importance of it. She had taken a step closer, searching for the words to do so, yet still felt like the words she used weren't strong enough after she had spoken them.

"_You think our ways are harsh, but it's how we survive."_

"_Maybe life should be about more than just surviving. Don't we deserve better than that?""_

"_Maybe we do."_

The memory was bittersweet. Clarke leaned backwards against a tree stump and stared into the sky. When she thought back to the moment she felt Lexa's lips touch her own, a sharp jolt of something pleasant rushed through her and vanished as quickly as it had appeared. Clarke tried to brace herself, knowing what came next, the pain of knowing she lost it all. Distant stars were all that kept her company while she bathed in her misery. Her pain, her agony, they were hers and hers alone. Clarke wondered if she wanted to remember or if she wanted to forget but before she had finished the thought, she already knew the answer. If it hadn't happened, then she wouldn't have to deal with the pain that came after, yet she knew in her heart she never wanted to forget. The moment that Lexa had kissed her was a memory she wanted to keep forever, even if it meant living with the agony she was in now. She remembered saying life should be about more than just survival. Her thoughts once again took her to that moment.

Lexa had turned towards her after Clarke had stepped closer and told her she knew how hard this was for her. She remembered Lexa's eyes gripping her own and not letting go as she seemed to want to explain her hesitation, her reluctance in trusting the instincts of another, of someone who was driven by her heart and not her head. They both knew how different they were, Clarke assumed she wanted to trust her but simply couldn't allow herself to do so. It had taken so much for her to not only admit to Clarke that she finally did, but to admit it to herself was at least half the struggle. She wanted to make sure that Clarke understood their differences, that she wanted to trust her, but that there were simply certain reasons why it was so hard. She also needed her to know that because of how different their people really were, she couldn't allow herself to do this sooner so she attempted to explain it, to clarify. 'You think our ways are harsh, but it's how we survive.'

Clarke understood, she really did, she understood that this way had been their way for as long as they knew and it had worked so far, sure enough. She also wished to open Lexa's eyes to the other option, something she had been trying to do and she felt she was finally taking tiny steps towards accomplishing that. She believed in what she had replied, 'Maybe life should be about more than just surviving.' Because it's not just about survival and if it is, it should be about more than that. Why survive if you have nothing to live for? What's the point?

Lexa was still holding her gaze, it made Clarke slightly nervous and it even forced her to look away for a moment, searching for a way to find her composure again. She tried to buy some time by asking 'Don't we deserve better than that?' Even though she hadn't been looking at Lexa directly, she could still feel those intense eyes locked on her. When Lexa softly spoke, 'Maybe we do', the tone that Lexa used made Clarke look up again. It almost sounded... hopeful. Even though Lexa's eyes seemed to be hidden deep underneath the black war paint on her face, Clarke immediately found them and the desire she could clearly see in them took her off guard. Clarke allowed herself a fraction of a second to be surprised, but soon found herself following Lexa's eyes as they fell to her own lips before seeking her eyes again. Clarke had been in moments like these before, when the desire to feel those lips on your own is evident to both. This sure felt like one of those moments, yet somehow she still couldn't quite grasp the fact that this had all the signs that it was really about to happen. It was almost like she tried to assure herself that what she was experiencing right now in this reality actually wasn't real and because Clarke wanted this even more than she realized herself, her own sense of self-protection seemed to tell her that it wasn't going to happen at all, that she was imagining it. Then before Clarke could do, say, or think much of anything, Lexa's hand had moved up to Clarke's face, entwining her fingers with her hair behind her neck. She felt herself being pulled closer in the very same moment that Lexa was leaning in. It took Clarke a split second to realize that this was in fact actually happening and her heart skipped several beats, but they seemed to be compensated by the jolts she felt low in her stomach.

The next and only thing she knew were Lexa's lips as they were softly kissing hers in the most tentative way she never dared to imagine. Everything around them faded, there was nothing else but Lexa and how she was kissing her, how wonderful this was, how much she had needed this, how she had wanted this under the surface and how obvious that was to her now. When Lexa's lips briefly left hers, possibly to give Clarke a moment to decide if she really wanted this, Clarke was just coming to terms with the fact that this was actually happening, but the moment she didn't feel Lexa's lips on her own any longer, she knew that she needed them to be there. The only thing that made sense was finding them again, so she raised her head slightly to do just that, pressing her body into Lexa's and once again found the comfort she hadn't realized she had needed. Clarke raised up her arm, rested it on Lexa's back and pulled her closer.

They lost themselves in each other and in the lips they were both kissing, lips that were parted slightly, eager to explore. Lexa pulled back for a moment but leaned in once more, needing to taste as much of Clarke as she could. Clarke wanted to feel her again but had suddenly regained the ability to form actual conscious thoughts. Just as Lexa moved in again, the thought crossed Clarke's mind that the last time she was with anyone this intimately, she had been with Finn. It was enough to jerk her back from the realm she had disappeared in. Finn! What I am doing?

A voice in her head told her she was doing what felt right. Even though she knew that to be true, she couldn't get the image of Finn out of her head. She could almost hear him ask her what she was thinking, kissing the very woman that made her kill him, so soon after the fact. She realized that even though nothing about this felt wrong, maybe she shouldn't be jumping into this as eagerly as she felt like doing. She reluctantly avoided Lexa's lips and moved backwards, trying to find a safe place so she could collect her thoughts. Rational thoughts. Her mind was racing when she realized that Finn had been dead for what seemed like days only. It was more like a few weeks, but still. Was this smart? She told herself she didn't want to be smart, she wanted to lose herself in Lexa again, but she made herself admit that maybe diving into something new, so soon after losing someone in the way that she had, may not be a great start to whatever this was or was going to be with Lexa. She stammered an apology. She didn't want to stop this but she knew she had to, if she wanted this to have a fair chance. She needed to close one chapter before she could open another and in her heart she knew she hadn't finished the last one completely. She still needed some time.

"_I'm sorry. I'm not ready, to be with anyone."_

She told Lexa honestly, she wasn't ready. Lexa's face hardened somewhat. A moment ago she was kissing the woman she wanted, she had allowed herself to let her guard down, but now feared she had to build them back up. Clarke saw the disappointment in her eyes and on her face and her spirit nearly dropped to the floor. This wasn't what she meant, she just needed time, she wasn't closing the door, she just had to finish the last chapter properly. The last thing she wanted was for her to lose all that she had won today and she wasn't even talking about the kiss. She meant Lexa letting her walls down, letting her in, seeing her vulnerable side, being intimate even before they were actually intimate. She treasured that part almost as much as the kiss that they had just shared.

_"Not yet."_

She whispered it as sincerely and convincingly as she possibly could and Lexa's whole demeanor softened. Clarke was grateful when she saw the hint of understanding appear on her face. Lexa nodded ever so slightly and Clarke knew she understood. Clarke wasn't closing the door, it was simply too soon to open the new one, no matter how much she wished she could not only open it, but walk through it as well. Clarke then tried to give Lexa a reassuring smile, trying to tell her with her eyes that she wanted this just as much as Lexa did herself, that she didn't want her to worry, that one day, she would be ready. They stood there for another moment until they were distracted by commotion outside. They both saw the flare and knew what it meant. Bellamy had succeeded.

Clarke remembered how she had felt, the kiss still etched in all her senses, her heart rate still up, seeing the signal meant the waiting was over, they were finally going to get her people out. She had just shared something amazing with Lexa and wanted it to become something more, and now they were going to get their people back. It was probably the closest to happy she'd been ever since she first set foot on Earth.

"_Bellamy did it."_

"_You were right to have faith in him."_

They found each other's eyes again and neither wanted to let go just yet, Clarke almost replied that Lexa was right to have faith in her too, that she was good for it, that her instincts and her feelings were something she could trust. She didn't have to fear emotion like she did, it wasn't a weakness, it was a strength, having faith is a strength, one that had paid off. She didn't say it though, she decided not to push it. She had already accomplished so much, they had grown together in a way she would have never imagined, all in the short time they knew each other. She had time, she'd take the time, so she kept it to herself in that moment.

Should she not have held back? Should she have said what she wanted to say? Would it have made a difference, would it have made Lexa reject the deal? Probably not, Clarke thought to herself. She thought she had gotten through to her in such a way that Lexa started to see things from her point of view, just as Clarke had adopted some of her ways instead of her own. They were growing together and towards each other slowly, or at least that's what it felt like. It seemed like they were meeting somewhere in the middle. But even though that was partly true, the part of Lexa that agreed to the deal that Emerson made, that part had never truly wavered. Not even a little bit. Clarke knew that now, that trying to convince Lexa to make decisions with her heart and her gut instead of just the ruthless and heartless Commander spirit she always had, had failed. If she had been so wrong about that, would anything she had come up with have made a difference? Enough to decline the deal and choose Clarke and her people instead? Clarke shook her head. No, it wouldn't have mattered. Nothing would have changed her mind, the only thing that changed was her, because she started believing that she had to try and change the way Lexa saw things. That emotions do matter, that caring about someone isn't a weakness. What they shared wasn't weakness, she told herself, stubborn to find answers she could live with. Their kiss wasn't weakness, it was amazing.

Looking back now, Clarke honestly couldn't say how long their kiss had actually lasted. Five seconds, one minute, ten minutes? She honestly didn't know for sure. All she knew is that she had needed it just as badly as Lexa had, even if that realization had taken her initially by surprise. Once she knew, she never once tried to fight that feeling or attempted to reject it. She knew that from the moment she first felt her own need, that she had to listen, so she did. For however long it did last, Clarke could still feel Lexa's lips when she closed her eyes, she could still feel the longing she felt when Lexa's lips briefly left hers and all she could think of was to get them back. They had needed each other on a level that went beyond trust.

A sob escaped Clarke suddenly. It hurt, it stung, not having her was agony, even after everything that happened. She couldn't make the pain go away. Clarke cursed out loud. Sure, a part of her was mad at Lexa for doing what she had done, but also she wasn't, because if she was honest with herself, Lexa wasn't the one she blamed. She blamed herself for it all, for thinking that she could melt the cold heart in Lexa's chest. Actually starting to believe she was succeeding turned out to be the easy part and also the very part that ended up betraying her and shattering her heart like a broken mirror. The hard part was admitting to herself that she had been wrong all along. But she wasn't mad at Lexa, not really. Because even though after everything that had happened between them ever since that wonderful moment where it was just them as one and nobody else, even though Lexa had gone and made a deal with the devil before she turned around and walked out of her life, Clarke was mad at herself more than anything else. She was mad at herself because she still needed Lexa the way she did when she kissed her. The conflicting emotions that came with that feeling were too much to deal with. She simply had no clue how to make sense of it, or if she should even try to. She didn't even know where to start.

Clarke swallowed back a lump in her throat when she once again felt a sting of grief in her chest. Lexa left her, even though she cared about her. She probably still does, but she left her anyway. What bothered her was that Lexa knew Clarke wouldn't give up, she knew she'd keep trying until she either freed her people or until she met her own demise, so Lexa left, knowing that abandoning her was possibly the same as leaving her to die, to be slaughtered for the bone marrow in her body. She chose to leave her, even though that might have killed her. This was possibly the hardest thing to come to terms with of all. She knew for sure that Lexa shared her feelings, those were real, they weren't imagining them, yet even after all those talks of love being a weakness, she still hadn't see it coming. She hadn't seen it coming because it was simply too far outside of her realm of reality. The thought of abandoning someone like she did, not just all the ones that were trapped, or the ones trying to get them out, but even the one she wants to be with, the one who represents one half of their shared desire and who wants to know just like her what happens next between them, which chapter is about to start. Clarke found the way to Lexa's heart, because Lexa had let her in. That's who Lexa abandoned.

"_May we meet again."_

Those were the last words Lexa had uttered. They had ripped a tear into her soul when they fell on her like a bomb. Clarke thought back to Finn's funeral, she remembered Lexa's reaction when Clarke spoke Trigedasleng.

"_Yu gonplei ste odon."_

_Your fight is over._

Even though that day was crazy enough, she remembered the look on Lexa's face, acknowledging Clarke's attempt to honor Trigeda traditions. It had earned Clarke some respect. She had tried, she really did, she tried to be understanding and accept certain things that she normally wouldn't. So when Lexa spoke the parting words that the people from the Ark traditionally use as a goodbye, it felt almost like an apology. That she didn't have a choice, that she did care, but that she did what she had to in order to save her people. All of them. She also meant what she said, may we meet again, she hoped that the day would come. Lexa wondered if Clarke would be able to forgive her, that they could face each other again. Who knows what then, really. She didn't know if Lexa expected Clarke to forgive and forget and fall into her arms just like that, but she highly doubted it. Even though Lexa hadn't strayed from the ways of the Trigeda, she was well aware of the pain she had caused her, of the difference in their cultures, how hard it would be for Clarke to put this behind her, if she ever even could. Clarke understood Lexa's reasons, because she finally managed to place herself in Lexa's state of mind, meaning she understood why Lexa had done what she had done.

Because that's who Lexa is.

But Clarke wasn't Lexa, she wasn't raised in Lexa's ways. She wasn't able to swear off love and emotion. So even though she understood Lexa's arguments and reasons, she still couldn't imagine doing the same. She realized now how different they really were, how wrong she had been by believing she could just change the way she had always seen things. That she could change what she believed, change who Lexa was.

"_We are who we are."_

Clarke fiddled with a twig between her fingers. "Yes, you are." She whispered softly. "I was stupid to think I could change you, stupid to think I even should."

Clarke sighed deeply and closed her eyes again, she rested her head against the tree she was leaning against and tried not to think about anything for a moment. Trying to block out the pain didn't really work, so maybe not trying anything at all will, she figured. She didn't have much faith in success, but she tried it anyway. She succeeded for half a second, before images started flashing in her mind. She saw her mother, she imagined her worried about Clarke, about where she was. She had told her she tried to be the good guy, but she ended up not having the luxury. Her mom understood why she had done what she had, that she really did try to spare lives. Clarke also figured her mom understood why she had to go, she was sure of it. She had to come to terms with everything. But what her mom didn't know was that her biggest struggle wasn't pulling the lever. It was being so terribly wrong about Lexa.

That was the thing that she struggled with most. Her mom didn't know that of course, nobody did. It didn't matter. They were safe, all of them, they would be alright because they had each other. 'Who do I have?' Clarke asked herself, 'No one. I left, because I needed to. I can't be with any of them now. None of them will truly understand. None of them should have to. My pain is mine alone to bear and to figure out, it's my burden to make sense of.' A thought suddenly entered her mind. This struggle with emotions? Feelings she didn't know how to handle? Ironically, the one person who she could probably talk to about it, was Lexa. Lexa, who was such an expert at separating the heart from the head. If only she told Clarke the true secret on how to do that. Clarke almost grinned at the irony of it. Almost.

But Lexa wasn't here to help her deal with it. Clarke didn't even know if she'd really want to shut down her emotions even if she had the ability to do so. She still didn't believe in it, she was so used to following her instinct and her feelings that it just seemed like such an alien idea to her. Turn off her emotions? Clarke shook her head. They were such a big part of what shaped her into who she was, she wouldn't want to change that. She realized that if she didn't want to change those important parts of herself, then why would she try to change Lexa's views? Because they are so different from her own? Because she thinks that going through life without love isn't possible? It may not be possible for Clarke, but if others choose this, if it works for them, why did she want to change her? Just because she didn't understand her? Lexa was faced with a choice, save all her people, or betray the one she desired which meant giving up a chance at happiness. Could Clarke make that choice? Hadn't she already? No, that was different. She didn't kill Finn because it would save her people. She killed him because it spared him a very painful and slow death. Finn had surrendered himself and that's what had saved her people. But still, she didn't want to turn him in, she was trying to protect him. Lexa's betrayal stood in sharp contrast to Clarke's refusal to give him to the Grounders. In fact, it was the exact opposite. Thinking back to how hard she fought to keep Finn out of Grounder hands, she had to come to terms with the fact that if that had been Lexa and her, Clarke would have been dead. Because Lexa would have chosen to give up love to save her people and realizing that was a truth Clarke didn't really want to face, but she had to. She also had to face who Lexa was, how radically different from her. It didn't matter if Clarke understood or if she even liked it. This was Lexa. Trying to 'soften her up' was stupid, she saw it now, it was futile from the start. She is who she is, that's what makes her Lexa, that's what makes her unique. It's also what made her so amazing.

So amazing indeed, cold in her decisions and leadership, yet so warm in the way she kissed her. It was almost impossible to accept that those two different sides of her belong to the same person, certainly not now that Clarke had seen the gentle side, the one she cherished so much and never wanted to forget, the one she wanted to keep. The Lexa that looked at her with those eyes and all that they revealed, the Lexa that kissed her so desperately, yet still so considerate and gentle. Clarke couldn't help it, before she knew it, she was back in that tent, getting lost in Lexa's eyes while she heard her say the words 'maybe we do'. Clarke had to relive it, whether she wanted to or not, she still remembered how her lips felt, how much she had longed for them without knowing it. She sighed deeply, knowing that now that she knew how Lexa's lips felt on hers, she could never go back to not knowing. She didn't think she even wanted to, even if she were given the choice, even if it was the cause of her pain. As she pictured feeling Lexa press her body into her own, another tear ran down her cheek. She had her for a brief instant, but moments later they were marching into war and before she knew it, Lexa walked out of her life. She wondered if she ever truly had her, or if she misjudged that too. She quickly dismissed those doubts. Lexa may not live by her feelings, but in this case, every gut feeling told Clarke that she wasn't wrong about this. She did have her, she truly did, that moment was real. But she didn't have her anymore and she never imagined losing her would feel like this.

It was astonishing how much those memories still affected her. In a way she didn't want them since it brought with them the pain of knowing it was over even though they never had a chance to truly begin, yet Clarke simply had to relive them over and over again, because she couldn't stop herself from wanting to. Even the faintest memory of having her again, even for a moment, still seemed to be worth the pain of the aftermath, of dealing with now.

One kiss, she thought. Just one kiss that meant everything, right before she sold you out. Clarke still felt a rage inside her, but there were so many things from so many directions, Clarke found it hard to pinpoint the exact source. The memory of having her, followed by losing it all when she walked away? Choosing her own ways over Clarke's ways? Choosing her own people over hers? Clarke felt like she was missing something important. She wasn't getting anywhere this way.

She restarted her internal debate once again, the same one that she had been repeating inside her head over and over. Lexa had only become so cold hearted after she lost Costia and couldn't deal with the pain, she reasoned. That's why she shut her emotions down, she wasn't always like this, she just uses this as a way to make decisions for her people. But then again, she is keeping them alive, right? So apparently it works. But maybe other ways would work though, why couldn't she try those and maybe she'll be pleasantly surprised? Because if it involves taking a risk, she's not going to do it. Clarke kept trying to find a reason why she wasn't wrong in wanting to make Lexa see different ways, but she kept finding the answers to the very questions she didn't want answered, because every time she did, she ended up proving herself wrong once again. No matter which way she looked at it, no matter which decisions she could have made differently, she now realized that one of the decisions that mattered most was one she never even considered. The one to trust Lexa. At first she had to trust her, because an alliance with the Grounders was their only chance, but not only that, she wanted to trust her. She wanted to believe in Lexa, a feeling that only grew stronger the longer they spent together. She believed in the truce. The difference was, Lexa believed in it for as long as it helped her people. When it didn't anymore, when a better option presented itself, she walked away, choosing her own people over hers.

Clarke winced, stomped her foot on a burning ember on the ground that had popped out of the fire. Admitting and accepting that her mistake may have been believing in Lexa and her feelings for her, was not something she was ready to do, even though she knew that it might boil down to that. She believed that Lexa's feelings for her were real, she really did, she'd just completely underestimated just how serious Lexa had been when she swore off emotions and feelings. Even after being warned by her on numerous occasions that love is a weakness, Clarke still believed she was holding a key to something. She still believed that for a while she really did, she wasn't wrong about that, but it hadn't been enough. So why did she believe in it the way she did? Because she sensed the connection they formed early on? Because they were both in similar positions, in charge of all their people, responsible for their well being, someone that people pour their hopes and dreams into? Or because she started to care for her without realizing, because of her feelings? Because of the affection that was slowly growing inside her for a young Commander, a young girl among her people, yet so formidable she was able to unite the twelve clans as one. Because Clarke foolishly believed that their connection, their bond, that that would change something. What the hell what she even thinking? Clarke cursed again, nobody around to hear it but her and her campfire. The curse still arrived at the destination it was meant for, as Clarke heard her own voice echoing a few times before it finally faded away.

Clarke blinked a few times. What was she thinking? That right there was the problem, she wasn't. She wasn't thinking, she was feeling. Lexa had asked her if she was willing to risk everything based on her feelings. She had answered yes, firmly believing in her own reply. So she had, she had risked everything on her feelings and ended up being betrayed in the end. Having feelings for Lexa, had that been her downfall? If she was being honest with herself, she could even go as far as to describe what she felt for her as the beginnings of love. Was that what had blinded her? Was that why she trusted Lexa, because she wanted to? Had her own feelings been the blind spot that made Clarke entrust Lexa with all those lives? Love is weakness, she could still hear Lexa say the words. Those words were now echoing back and forth in Clarke's head, tormenting her by reminding her how many times Lexa had tried to get her to see it, how she had tried to get Clarke to believe in them too, but Clarke had always resisted. So was that was this was then? Was Lexa right after all? The one thing Clarke had been trying to disprove all this time, was it going to end up being the one truth she now had to face?

_Love is weakness._

The mere idea that Lexa had been right all this time was completely overwhelming, but the possibility of having to accept this as fact was nothing less than torture. Love being a weakness was a statement that went against everything she believed in or wanted to believe in. Love isn't a weakness, it's a strength, she told herself. Sure it has its ways to take you for a spin and make you lose yourself for a bit, but in the end, isn't it supposed to be worth it, especially when the reward is love itself? How can the reward be the very thing that prevents you from reaching that reward? That just didn't add up. Clarke buried her head in her hands, this was too confusing.

She started over, trying to make sense of it. She thought love was the purest force of all, so how could that be a weakness? There was no reality in which she could answer that and believe it. But still, she couldn't shake it, no matter how much she tried to fight it or reason her way out. She simply couldn't find an answer that set her mind at ease because she realized she had to admit to herself that in this case, it was true. But only in this case, she argued. Maybe love can be a weakness, sure, but that doesn't mean it always is. It doesn't mean that letting love guide your decisions will always bring you to ruin. How could it? Denying love as as a guide would never ever lead you to it, right? But believing that love is by definition a weakness means you will never truly find love and thus can never truly be happy. That couldn't be the what people lived for, right? It would bring you right back to the same thing, because if that were true, life would be about surviving and nothing else, but it would completely leave out the living part of life, something Clarke still believed in, something she still wished and believed they deserved to find.

It dazzled her. Her reasoning seemed to make sense yet she still found herself lacking a satisfying argument that explained it, because in this case, love had been her weakness, but she still refused to believe it was always true for everything. So, love isn't a weakness, but it can be, but it's not a weakness itself, she concluded. So isn't there another question altogether here? When do you let love guide you and when do you close your heart and go the other way?

After she had formed that thought into an actual sentence, she exhaled somewhat relieved. What had seemed like nothing but chaos and questions, she had now finally been able to shape into something she could follow, something she could reason towards and away from. Love can be a weakness, but the key is knowing when to embrace it. If you believe it per definition is, then happiness will be forever out of reach. Clarke sighed, if only Lexa knew this as well. No, she realized. Lexa knew. She simply chose to sacrifice it instead.

If she had made another choice, things might have been different. Or not, they could have been exactly the same. Clarke didn't know and realized she never would, because this was who Lexa was, it was that simple. Clarke didn't want to make the same mistake, desperately trying to make Lexa see that there were other ways, when she shouldn't have tried to change them in the first place. Still, even though she would never know if things would have been different, she knew that this mattered somehow. This difference, this distinction that she now clearly had formed in her mind, it felt important, it felt even more important than she could really explain. Trying to change Lexa's primal beliefs wasn't what she was after here, that wasn't what this was about, but what if they could meet in the middle on this? What if she could make Lexa see this difference, make her understand the distinction between the two? But wait, what was she even talking about? Lexa wasn't here. Lexa was in Polis with all the people she successfully rescued, celebrating their victory with minimal loss of life. All it took was abandoning her allies. All it took was abandoning Clarke.

She winced at how much that still stung, even though she didn't truly believe it. She knew that wasn't the whole story and there was more to it. Still, she couldn't help but sometimes see it that way. That's just who she was. She still couldn't imagine doing to Lexa what Lexa had done to her. She wished there was a way to understand her. Not just from a Grounder standpoint, but she wondered if there was any argument that would make her, Clarke, see it and understand it. Something that would make her believe in it. Maybe if she found the answer to that, it would even seal the huge rift that she had realized still existed between Lexa and herself. She wished there wasn't, but she had come to realize that no matter how badly she wished they were the same, they simply weren't. How was she to seal any rift without the bridge called understanding, or the one called common ground? She would never be able to without the answers she still lacked.

So, what if there was a way to find them somehow? She had all the time in the world now, right? Nobody needs saving from anyone, nobody is getting speared, why wouldn't she go out in search of her own answers that she so desperately needed to find? Once that idea popped in to her head, she couldn't let it go anymore. She could just go find her answers, try to find the parts she was still missing, then connect the dots and get the bigger picture. Why not?

Hold on, she thought, where would she even go? Who has those answers? Lexa does. But Clarke knew that even though she was aching to see her again, she had no idea how she'd actually react when face to face with the one person that had crushed her so. She didn't think she was ready for it. Not yet. She also didn't know if Lexa was the one who could make her understand. They had tried to show each other their ways, look where it had gotten them.

So where then? There are villages all over the place, some even have people that she had gotten to know. Like Tondc. Would she be welcome there, she wondered. She could offer help rebuilding, she could simply show up and offer what she could. Maybe that was what she needed to do. She had to quiet her demons, she needed answers, answers that only Grounders could give her, answers that only Grounders understood. To understand a Grounder, be a Grounder. It seemed so clear and simple, was this how it was supposed to go? She had no idea, but she couldn't deny that the thought of finding her answers this way gave her a sense of purpose, something to do, something other than staring at a fire all day and night, alone with just her own thoughts and questions to torment her until she slowly went crazy.

So, Tondc then? She tried to think of reasons why she shouldn't start there, and the only one she came up with was that Lexa might be there, but she didn't think she would. Lexa had invited her to the Capitol, so that must have been her destination. She was only here because of the conflict with the Sky People and then with the Mountain Men. Clarke was pretty sure Lexa would not be in Tondc. If she was, she'd just go to another village, or something. She wanted to see her more than anything, but not yet, not this soon after everything. She also tried to think of reasons why the people of Tondc would reject her, why she wouldn't be welcome. She reasoned that the Sky People made no errors when it came to the truce, they didn't break it, they kept their end of the bargain. She didn't wrong them, did she? Well, except for not warning them about the missile, but that was as much Lexa as it was her, maybe even more. She finally made a decision. She'd go to Tondc, offer help and do what she could, while in the meantime she planned to learn and understand all she possibly could about the Grounder culture. If Tondc wouldn't have her, she'd go to another village, there were plenty.

Wasn't this a better plan than waiting around for who knows what revelation to come to her? She wondered what her own people would say about this plan. Would they try to stop her, talk her out of it? Why would they? This was her peace of mind she was searching for, who are they to stop her from seeking the answers she needs? What other reason would they have to stop her, except of course being worried about her safety? But what would threaten her safety? To the Grounders, she was Clarke of the Skaikru, she had earned the Commander's respect and everybody knew it. Clarke felt that that same reputation might just be the edge she needed to get her in.

She didn't feel like she was abandoning her own people, leaving them without a leader, without a safety net. They didn't need her anymore, they had plenty of people that were very capable of leading them into the future. She just couldn't share that future with them yet. Any other threats she had to consider? She realized that all the threats they had faced before now no longer seemed to exist. There was no more conflict with the Grounders, so she wasn't worried for her people when it came to them. Just because the truce was broken when Lexa took the deal and left, doesn't mean they were right back at war with each other like before, not after everything they went through. Nobody had anything to gain from it and a lot of people had built relationships with Grounders, in some cases even friendships. Clarke felt there was a certain level of mutual respect and understanding between them now. Every Grounder knew that the Sky People weren't the ones that broke the truce. They wouldn't be looking for another war and even if for some reason some were, she was sure that Lexa wouldn't condone it. Yes, she had left them to their fate, possibly to their death, but she had no reason to want another war between them. Lexa herself had gotten to know a lot of Sky People, for example she considered Kane to be an honorable man and respected him. No, Clarke could see no reason she would seek a conflict, it just didn't make sense.

So Clarke was sure there were no more threats to her people from any Grounder camp as long as the Sky People didn't provoke anything, but since the Grounders outnumbered the Sky People greatly, no one would be that stupid. Also, no more acid fog, no more Mountain Men, so no more threat from that side either. The only thing Clarke had to worry about out here was the wild life, which was something she felt she was able to handle. And Reapers, she realized. Reapers who now had no more access to red and would one by one be going into detox. She wondered how that would go, she feared many of them would not survive. That was the only thing she felt Lexa may have overlooked. The one thing they had going for them when they bargained for the truce with the Grounders, was that they could turn Reapers back into men. Now that the deal no longer existed, what was Lexa's expectation here? Did her deal with the Mountain Men include they turn the reapers back into men and return them to their homes? Clarke had her doubts. Now that the Mountain Men were no longer in the picture, she wondered about that, what Lexa's plan was or had been. Lexa hardly expected all the Mountain Men to be dead the very day she made her deal, right? Did she have a backup plan? Clarke told herself she probably had.

That night, Clarke slept for the first time since she left Bellamy at the entrance of Camp Jaha. Finally being able to work through some of her conflicting emotions and feelings, her head was somewhat quiet. While she still had many questions, she finally had a goal again. Even if this was only a temporary plan, because what would she do once she found the answers, move on? Go back? What would she do if she found no answers at all, keep looking? For how long? She didn't know, all she knew was what was happening right now and right now, her goal was Tondc.


	2. Episode 2

The statue was way above her head, staring far away into the distance. Clarke was looking up at it, she couldn't help but wonder what this place had looked like a hundred years ago, before the bombs ruined everything. Abraham Lincoln. She had learned enough about old Earth history to know who he was. Clarke realized she was looking at the statue of a man who had given birth to a nation that would thrive in the centuries that followed, but whose descendants had eventually destroyed the world. He now seemed to be watching over the generation that inherited the ruins they were left with, to make sure they would thrive once again. Clarke had to admit to herself that thriving was exactly what they had done. Scattered clans, fending for themselves all over the place, now united as one massive tribe with countless brave and strong warriors to protect them from any harm that would come their way, under the leadership of the young woman who had brought them together and had given up her own needs entirely, just so her people could have theirs.

Clarke swallowed at the thought of Lexa, she quickly tried to force her image out of her head. She had no time to be affected by the memories right now, she had other stuff to worry about. Like the fact that she was about to walk into a Grounder village and had no idea what kind of welcome to expect. She had doubted herself many times on the way here, feared that this might not have been the best idea she had ever had. This was still Grounder territory and Grounders didn't like outsiders, something Clarke most definitely was. Still, all her doubts hadn't been enough to change her mind. Somehow she knew this was what she had to do, she knew it in her gut. Her gut was still her number one guide and it was telling her to go in, so that's what she was going to do.

Watching the statue again, she wondered if perhaps Lincoln was named after him. Named after their guardian, yet now he was cast out. He was with her people, back at the Ark, no longer welcome here for choosing to listen to his heart, for wanting to be with the woman he had fallen in love with and for wanting to do right by Clarke's people. Clarke was grateful to him and felt for him at the same time. She knew how much he had given up.

She straightened her back and looked up at the gazing eyes of the stone man high above her. "Keep an eye on me while you're at it, yeah?" Abraham Lincoln kept staring into the distance like he always had. "I'll take that as a yes." she decided. Determined, she continued her walk towards Tondc.

She made sure to stay alert for any kind of movement or sound, very aware of the fact that even though to Grounders she may be Clarke, leader of the Skaikru, she was still an outsider. For all they knew she was there to settle some score after being left at the gates of the mountain. Even though Clarke had no hostile intentions, the Grounders had no reason to believe that. She expected to be met with a decent amount of distrust and paranoia and she couldn't even blame them. Her gun and knife were on her belt but Clarke had no intentions of drawing them because it would make her seem even more like a threat and that was the last thing she wanted. She was really hoping that they wouldn't shoot first and ask questions later.

"Don't let me down, Mister Lincoln." she murmured.

Now that she was slowly approaching the town, she found herself wishing someone would show up already. She knew that someone would before she would even be near the town entrance and the uncertainty of not knowing what came next was making her slightly apprehensive. It turned out she didn't have to wait very long.

"Stop!" A deep, male voice loudly commanded. Clarke immediately stood still and watched two Grounders step onto the road in front of her. One of them had an arrow trained at her and the other had drawn his sword. They both looked like they meant business.

Clarke swallowed her doubts away as she raised her hands in the air, trying to appear as non threatening as she could. Here we go then.

"Ai laik Clarke kom Skaikru," she spoke, trying to sound as confident as she could, "I come in peace."

The Grounders eyed her up and down suspiciously, neither of them lowering their weapon yet. The one with the sword took a step towards her. Clarke was appropriately intimidated but stood her ground.

"What do you want?" he demanded.

"I have no hostile intent, I wish to speak with your leader." Clarke hesitated for a moment. "With Indra." she added quickly, silently hoping their reaction to Indra's name would somehow reveal to her if Lexa was here or not, but she wasn't really counting on it. Clarke hadn't lowered her arms yet and she made sure to keep them raised when she saw the both of them looking at the gun on her belt.

The one with the bow spoke up. "What does Clarke of the Skaikru want from Indra?"

Clarke swallowed and mustered up some courage. "That is between me and her." she said with determination in her voice. She wasn't about to explain to these two why she was here. First of all, it was none of their business, second, they'd still be standing here tomorrow talking about it, most likely. She still wasn't sure how she was going to convince Indra to let her stay either. She realized that even though the woman was probably one of the least likely people to welcome her with open arms, she also knew that there was no way she would be able to be in that village without the permission of its leader so she had accepted that talking to Indra was her only option. Clarke vividly remembered the hostility she had shown towards them from the start, but Clarke knew there was another side of her too, the one that saw the potential in a young Skygirl and took her as her second and offered Lincoln the choice to stay or leave. That was the side of her that Clarke was hoping to reach.

It took another tense moment before the one with the sword seemed to make a decision and nodded at her. "Come." he said. The other one finally lowered his bow and Clarke released the breath she had been holding in. She lowered her hands and started following him towards the town. The Grounder with the bow waited for her to pass him and started walking behind her. She could feel their paranoia and she knew she had her work cut out for her, but she figured that at least not being shot on sight could be considered a good start.

It only took them a few minutes to reach the town and Clarke felt a certain sense of familiarity when she spotted the walls in the distance. She had spent quite some time here, after all. She also felt a decent amount of guilt, knowing she could have spared them from the destruction of the missile attack. She wondered what the town looked like by now. The last time she saw it, it had been completely in ruins and there were even some fires still burning. It had only been a few days, so she was expecting to see a lot of debris that was still being cleared, perhaps the beginnings of new structures being built. She had no idea how fast Grounders would bounce back from something like this, but she couldn't help but suspect that it would be quite fast. She knew they were resilient.

They had reached the entrance. She still didn't know if she would soon be facing Lexa or not, but she was in it now, she'd have to deal with it. Somehow. The Grounder who had been walking in front of her had sheathed his sword and stopped right outside the gate where he turned around to face her. Clarke knew what came next, there was no way they were going to let her in there carrying any kind of weapon. Before he could point at the crate near the entrance or even say anything, she had already walked towards it, took her knife out of her belt and dropped it into the crate.

"I know, no weapons." she said. She took her gun out next, making sure to do it slowly and placed it next to the knife. She turned back towards the Grounder.

"That's all I have."

The Grounder stepped towards her and searched her anyway, Clarke offered no resistance, she knew he had to be sure. After he had confirmed she was indeed no longer carrying any weapons, he nodded towards the entrance and walked inside. Clarke followed, her demeanor showing more confidence than she was actually feeling.

The Grounder that had been walking behind her had gone on ahead, most likely to inform Indra of Clarke's arrival. Or Lexa. Not knowing for sure if she would be face to face with Lexa any minute now had Clarke slightly rattled, yet there was nothing she could do about it now. She'd just have to deal with it if that happened. As they passed through the village, Clarke looked around, taking in the aftermath of the devastation. There was still so much rubble, but she was impressed by what had already been removed. The huge crater in the center of town had been partially cleared of the remnants of the building that once stood in its place and numerous people were working as one to clear what still remained, most likely also in search of loved ones they hadn't been able to find yet. As Clarke passed the scene, she saw most of their heads turn in her direction, she could feel every single pair of eyes burning on her skin wondering what on earth she could be doing here. She pushed her guilt to the back of her head and kept walking, realizing this was much harder than she had anticipated.

They finally stopped in front of a building, Clarke turned towards the Grounder, expecting him to either tell her to go in or to wait, but instead he just stood there and said nothing. Clarke silently did the same and waited awkwardly for whatever came next. She was fighting the temptation to ask if Lexa was here but even though the question was burning on her lips, she knew asking it would be a mistake. No matter how badly she wanted to know, she knew they would take it the wrong way, most likely interpreting it as a threat. Clarke didn't want Lexa to be there at all, but no Grounder would know her true reasons behind it. Clarke had no choice but to accept the unknown. As she tried to prepare herself for the very real possibility, she could feel the anticipation build up inside her and it was throwing her nerves into a wild spin. After a very long minute, the door finally opened, revealing the Grounder that had walked on ahead. He stepped outside and nodded at Clarke towards the door. "She will see you now." Still none the wiser, Clarke silently asked herself what the hell she had gotten herself into, then took a deep breath and stepped inside.


	3. Episode 3

**All that wonderful feedback, very much appreciated! Thank you.**

**\- N Tonks Fan, Such a compliment, that's great to hear.**

**\- Avarenda, Sorry for being evil, wasn't even planning on writing a cliffhanger really but it seemed like such a good place to end the chapter that it kinda ended up being one :P**

**\- dithemo, I'm really into emotions, if you like stories that delve into them, you've come to the right place ;)**

**\- kawagirl1993, I have lots planned. Already have most of the story line thought out and there will of course be the inevitable reunion between the two but not yet!**

**Thanks again for all the comments, please keep them coming. For now, on to Chapter 3!**

**...**

"Clarke kom Skaikru, why have you come here?"

"Indra."

Hearing the voice was a huge relief. The leader of Tondc was standing on the other side of the room, her body hovering over some maps that were spread out across a table. Clarke quickly scanned the rest of the room to make sure Lexa really was somewhere else and released a sigh that had been stuck there for a while when she confirmed to herself that Lexa was indeed not here.

Clarke hadn't replied yet, but before she even could, Indra spoke again. "The Commander is not here, you will have to try and claim your justice another day." Indra's voice was calm but firm and strangely enough, not entirely unsympathetic.

Clarke realized she had been caught looking, so she quickly shook her head, "No, that's not why I'm here."

Indra spoke again. "I am no fool, I know what our Commander has done and because of that, your people are dead and now you are here to kill her. I even understand your need for justice, Clarke of the Sky People, but you will not find it here this day and you know I will make sure that you will not succeed on another."

Clarke again heard a hint of sympathy in her voice. She realized that if she had come here to kill Lexa, Indra would have completely understood her need to do so. She'd let it happen over her dead body of course, but she'd understand if Clarke had to try. Clarke was initially surprised but quickly realized it made perfect sense. Blood for blood, that was their way, it made sense she'd expect Clarke to want to kill Lexa after what she'd done. Clarke regained her composure.

"Indra, I didn't come here to kill Lexa, that's not why I'm here, it's not what I want." She tried to sound as sincere as she could. "And my people are not dead. I got them out."

Indra frowned suspiciously. "Out?"

Clarke nodded. "Yes, they are at the Ark. They're not dead." Clarke had decided to be open about the situation. The Grounders would find out soon enough anyway and she saw no reason to lie about it. Indra was staring Clarke right in the eyes and Clarke could clearly see the skepticism on her face. She waited.

"How?" Indra finally asked, her voice wary.

Clarke swallowed something back. "I killed them. The Mountain Men, I killed them."

Indra's face flashed a hint of surprise, but it was gone almost before it had appeared and the skepticism was back.

"The Mountain Men are dead?" she asked, slowly.

"Yes."

"How many are left?"

"None."

There was another pause as Indra bore her eyes into Clarke's, trying to see if she could read the truth there. Suddenly she walked over to Clarke with heavy steps and stopped right in front of her.

"I do not believe you, Clarke kom Skaikru. You say you saved your people, but then why are you not with them? Why are you here? You are telling me lies. You are here to kill Lexa, but I told you, you will not succeed."

There was no sympathy in her voice now, only anger and suspicion. Indra may understand a need to find justice, but she did not appreciate being lied to, which is what she thought was happening here. She stood in front of Clarke menacingly, but Clarke didn't back away. Instead, she became frustrated.

"I am not lying to you." Clarke said as calmly as she could. "I got them out, they're safe, all of them. Send your scouts to the Ark and see for yourself, they are all there and the Mountain Men are dead because I killed every last one of them." As she spoke she found it harder and harder to keep her cool and before she was aware of it, she was rambling. "There are no more Mountain Men, Indra. I am telling you the truth. If you don't believe me, go and look for yourself." Clarke paused to catch her breath.

"Be sure to check the mess hall on level five." she added with a hint of bitterness. "That's where they were when I pulled the lever. That's where you will find all of them, Indra. You know that air they were trying so hard to keep out because the radiation was toxic to them? The air they were killing us for because they needed our blood to survive it? Well, I let it in. I let the air in and now they're all dead."

Clarke was breathing heavily now, she could even feel her body shaking. If was bad enough that she had to do it, but now here she was trying to convince Indra of it when all she really wanted was to forget that she ever had to.

"They're all dead, Indra, the soldiers, the men, the women…" Clarke swallowed back another lump, she was trying to keep her voice steady. "and the children." she finally added, her voice shaking. She couldn't help it.

"I'm not with my people now because of what I had to do to get them out." she finished.

It was enough to make Indra take a step backwards, surprised by the honesty in her outburst, the desperation, the obvious torment. The expression on her face was milder now, it even showed a hint of respect. Indra believed her, she could feel it.

"Why have you come to us?" she finally spoke.

"I… I'm not sure exactly." Clarke began, finding the right way to phrase it. "I think I need answers, I need to understand." Damn, this was hard, she had absolutely no idea how to make it clear.

Indra no longer showed any aggression, it was more like she was curious, intrigued. Somewhat confused, but still intrigued.

"Understand what exactly?" she questioned.

Clarke shrugged. "I don't know. Why you do what you do? Why it works?" She lowered her head and stared at the ground. "Why I don't hate Lexa for what she did even though I want to?" she confessed.

Indra pondered this for a moment. "You want to hate Lexa but you don't and you want to know why." she repeated, trying to understand what Clarke was saying.

Clarke looked up again and nodded. "She left us to die, Indra. We had a deal and she broke it. She made a deal with us, but then she made a deal with the Mountain Men, the same people that have hunted us both, drained us of our blood, the people that were killing both of us. She made a deal with them, then she looked me right in the eyes and told me we weren't part of that deal. She turned around and left us to die." The conflict that was still in her head made her spit out the last word as if it was poison.

"You're right, I should hate her." she continued. "I should want justice, that would make much more sense. But I don't, Indra, because believe it or not, I do understand why she did it. I know how she rules, she rules with her head, not her heart." Clarke turned around and waved her arms up in frustration. "I understand why but what I don't understand, is how she is capable of it." She paused for a moment, trying to find a better way to say it but failed.

"I don't know how to explain it. We're different, your people and mine. I don't think I could have made the call that she made. I don't even know if it's a call that I should have made even if I could because it would mean betraying a deal I already had, betraying someone I gave my word to by leaving them to die. But she did it, just like that and I never even saw it coming." Clarke searched for some sign that Indra knew where she was going with this but all she got was silence and it urged her to keep going.

"It saved all your people, so how could it have been the wrong call? She sacrificed us, so should I have sacrificed you if I had that option? Should I have considered it? I don't think my heart would have allowed me to, but Lexa simply doesn't allow her heart to have that same power over her."

"You want to take that power from your heart? Are you here to learn how to be ruthless?" Indra finally asked after thinking about it for a moment.

Clarke shook her head, "No, that's not..." She searched for the right words. "I don't know if I want to be able to do the same, I don't even think so, but in order to make that choice, I think I should first find a way to believe in it. It's so conflicting, I don't hate Lexa because I understand why she did what she did, but I want to hate her because I don't understand how she could have." Clarke almost sounded desperate.

"Indra, I'm struggling with this." she admitted. "It's like a never ending battle in my head and I need to understand. I think the only way to do that is to understand you, your people and your basic beliefs." She rested her eyes on the leader. "That's why I'm here."

Indra nodded, she seemed to comprehend Clarke's words. "And what exactly is it that you are asking me now, Clarke kom Skaikru?" she demanded.

Clarke straightened her back when she voiced her request. "I would like to stay here for a while, in Tondc. I don't even know for how long, but I think that living among you, getting to know your people better, your ways, it might give me some answers." Clarke continued to plead her case. "I can help rebuild the town, I'll work, I'll pull my weight, but…" she hesitated for a moment, "I think I just need to be here for a while." she finished.

Indra was looking at her while she pondered this. "I see your torment is real, Clarke kom Skaikru." After another moment she seemed to make up her mind. "You may stay, for now." she decided.

Indra continued, setting the terms. "You will live among us, but you are not one of us. You will stay here until you want to leave or until I tell you to. You will be a guest, not a prisoner, you will live by our rules and respect our ways and if you do not, our ways will decide your punishment as well." she stated. It wasn't a threat, nor was it really a warning. It was more 'matter of fact'-ly than anything else.

Clarke was grateful. "Thank you." she told her sincerely. She had no intention of breaking any rules, knowing all too well what happened to those that did. "And I will."

"Wait here." Before Clarke could respond, Indra had stepped outside where Clarke could hear her say something to someone before she came back into the room. "When Nyko gets here, he will find you a bed, you will arrange further details of your stay with him."

Clarke was glad it was Nyko that was 'assigned' to her, she had dealt with him before and he was someone she respected. "Alright." she said.

Clarke realized she had something else to ask, something she was pretty sure she already knew but realized she still needed to hear Indra say it.

"Indra, what about the people at the Ark?" she questioned. "Will you leave them in peace? The truce may be over, or broken, whatever you want to call it, but they don't want to fight you. All they want is to live their lives. They don't want to be at war with your people."

"They?" Indra raised her eyebrow. "Are you not one of them?"

Clarke was slightly taken aback by this. She hadn't even realized the way she had phrased it and how it sounded. She quickly picked herself up. "I am one of them. If I wasn't, would I be asking you this on their behalf, even though they don't even know I am here doing it?"

The leader of Tondc looked at her for a moment as if she had some thoughts about that, but then she finally spoke again. "The Commander has issued a general command that the people remaining at the Ark be left alone. Unless they attack us, we will not attack them. Was that all, Clarke kom Skaikru?"

Clarke sighed in relief when she heard her own suspicions confirmed. Lexa had no reason to attack the Sky People, at least she had been right about that. "Yes." Clarke said, but changed her mind immediately. "No."

She wasn't sure whether she should ask the question or not, but she had to. "Will you tell her that I am here?" she asked after hesitating for a moment.

Indra's eyebrow perked up again. "I do not keep secrets from my Commander, Clarke." she answered simply.

Clarke shook her head quickly. "That's not what I meant. I'm not asking you to lie to her." She didn't even really know what it was she was after. "I'm not sure what I'm asking. I just don't know if I can deal with her yet, I guess." She bit her lip. Did she even want Lexa to know she was still alive? Was Lexa suffering like she was? Would she suffer less if she found out Clarke wasn't dead? Did she even want to ease Lexa's suffering if she could? Clarke scolded herself for her own petty thoughts, she knew Lexa the person was suffering for the decisions that Lexa the Commander had made.

A small smile appeared on Indra's face. "Maybe you should just be happy that she is not here."

That was all Indra was going to say about it. She never expected Indra to lie, in fact, she suspected a messenger would be sent within the hour, considering Clarke also had news about the Mountain Men which was important information to them. No doubt Lexa would find out that she was here soon enough, but had it been up to Clarke, that particular messenger would have had a really slow horse. She just couldn't deal with Lexa. Not yet.

Indra dismissed her. "I have things to do now, you can wait outside for Nyko."

Clarke nodded. "Thank you." She turned to leave.

"Don't thank me yet, you may not like the answers you find." Indra called after her with a hint of amusement.

Clarke stopped walking and looked back. "I have to find them first." she said, before stepping outside.


	4. Episode 4

**I'm sorry this update took a bit longer than the previous ones. I had written a lot more but I realized I wasn't happy to go there yet, I still needed to touch on some other subjects. Chapter 5 is mostly written and will be posted quite soon I expect. For now, I hope you enjoy this. Thanks again for the amazing feedback that you are giving me. Please keep it coming!**

**...**

Clarke had been in Tondc for a while now, it must have been two weeks at least. Nyko had opened his own house to her and she was staying with him. She realized that it was no coincidence that Indra had asked Nyko to find her a bed, considering he was their healer and Clarke had some medical knowledge. She hadn't seen much of Indra in the first days that she'd been there, but she knew that even though Indra had told her she was a guest, there were always people watching her every move.

Clarke had taken one trip back to the Ark a few days after arriving in Tondc. Indra had agreed to let her go after she had explained her reasons and had insisted she take one of her warriors. Even though he wasn't very talkative and she was sure he was there mainly to keep an eye on her, she appreciated the safety he provided. It had been difficult being back at the Ark, she had wished she could have sent them a message instead of having to go there but she figured they wouldn't believe any message that wasn't coming from Clarke herself, so this was once again something she had to do. Not for her, but for their own safety. As soon as they had come in range of the huge structure, there had been guns pointed at them, commands were yelled at her to stop, before they had realized who she was. It had confirmed to her that they were still living in fear and it made her remember why she was there and why she had to do this.

She had informed her people of where she was staying and that she was safe, but not ready to return yet. She had been worried that if they didn't hear from her for a long time, they might have gone out to search for her. If they would have seen her at the village they might have jumped to the wrong conclusions like that she was being held there against her will. She didn't even want to think about the trouble that could have brought with it, it was the last thing she wanted. Her trip back was about their safety, not about her. If it hadn't been for that, she'd have stayed away, she still didn't feel ready to face them. She also told them about Lexa's general command, that if they left the Grounders alone, they would be left alone by them.

Seeing her friends again had been painful and good at the same time. Seeing her mother had been the hardest. It still haunted her to remember how tightly her mother had hugged her right before she left, not wanting to let her daughter walk out of those gates again. After she had pleadingly asked her if she really had to go, Clarke had told her through her tears that yes, she had to, but she had tried to assure her that she was safe and not to worry, she just had to do this. When she walked away her heart had been heavier than ever and she still felt like she carried the burden of all their pain. The whole thing had also confirmed to her that she definitely wasn't ready to stay.

In the days that followed back in Tondc, she had noticed a difference in the way people approached her, they weren't keeping her at a distance as much, they were a bit friendlier. When she asked Nyko about it he told her that her escort had seen her pain during the trip back and had concluded from it that her intentions were honorable, that her people didn't want her to leave, but she was facing her demons, which ever those may be. Grief and pain was something they knew and understood, something they respected, so after he had told some others about what he had seen, they had started to see her in a different light. Clarke hadn't even realized but was grateful for it.

During her stay she lived like a member of their tribe, she ate their food, shared their comforts and their struggles. She had learned a bit more of their language, although she wasn't even close to understanding everything yet. She had also spent a lot of time thinking, trying to work through the conflicting thoughts. Almost all of those thoughts were about Lexa. About what she had done even after she had kissed her the way she had. The longing Clarke still felt when she thought back to that moment in that tent were both a pain and a blessing. It felt so good to remember Lexa's lips on her own, but it also felt confusing, like she wasn't allowed to still secretly enjoy that moment but she did. Memories of their kiss would often eventually lead to the memory of Lexa telling her that they weren't part of the deal. It had sounded so cold. She could hear Lexa's word again about how she had told her for the first time that she had shut down her feelings, how she stopped caring. But she hadn't stopped caring, that had all been a mask she had put on because it was the only way to force herself to listen to her head and not her heart and make the decisions she had to make. If Clarke knew one thing for certain, it was that Lexa still felt. If she didn't feel anything, she wouldn't have kissed her like she had, she wouldn't have allowed Clarke to see that vulnerable side of her. She showed her that side because she wanted her to see that side, because she cared that Clarke got to know it, because she cared for Clarke and needed to be close to her just as much as Clarke had needed it. But no matter how much she cared, she still left her to die. It was always the inevitable thought that followed.

She also remembered Octavia's words of blame. She couldn't help but see the irony in them. Octavia who had basically become one of them, she had been Indra's second, she had fallen in love with Lincoln. If anyone had integrated with the Grounders, it was Octavia. She still blamed her for trusting Lexa and it all seemed like a twisted contradiction.

She had also spent a decent amount of time helping to clear the rubble. It was both physically and mentally challenging because while she was pulling ropes, hauling out the huge pieces of concrete, she told herself more than once that the mess she was cleaning up was one she had made herself but one she had not been able to avoid. It made her work even harder, both for feeling like she deserved it as some weird form of punishment and simply because she wanted to help.

Nyko had started to teach her more about the various herbs he used, the types of medicine they had access to and knew about. In return, Clarke had shared some of what she knew, what her mother had taught her. They had become somewhat closer, she respected him a lot and was grateful for his hospitality and the things he had taught her. He was friendly to her, less distant than other people, more accessible. She even felt his respect for her and the struggles that went on in her head, even though he didn't know what they were about exactly. He gave her the space to face them herself, but she knew he was open to her questions. He really was a big help.

She even assisted him in setting a broken leg when there weren't any others available to do so and afterwards, she had been glad they had trusted her with it. Helping Nyko had earned her some good will, because even though some knew her as Clarke who was the leader of the Sky People and remembered and respected the status that came with it, she was still considered an outsider and outsiders weren't easily trusted. The contrast between how it was now and how it had been when the warriors obeyed her commands because Lexa had ordered them to was huge, it was like starting over completely. As the days went by, she started having more and more interactions, more conversations with various people, she could feel that although hesitant, her presence there was slowly being accepted.

While clearing the rubble, sometimes a body was found. It always brought back the sting of guilt, knowing she could have stopped it, but she had also met a few people that had been prisoners inside the mountain. Seeing they were free and back with their families made her slowly come to terms with the fact that she didn't warn them about the missile and why Lexa had abandoned them. She saw the wife hugging the husband that had been in a cage, she saw the father with the son he thought he'd lost. She found herself more and more able to live with why Lexa had done what she did. The choice between an uncertain outcome and sticking by the woman she desired or the certainty of knowing that all of her people would be returned to their families, it seemed more and more like a choice of conscience, not so much a choice of the heart. A selfless choice that Lexa simply had to make to save them. These people, families and loved ones, people who cared about each other. Clarke was slowly coming to terms with it.

Clarke was also taught more about hunting, the basics on how to fight with a sword, how to shoot a bow properly. It was during one of those practice sessions that one of Indra's guards arrived and told her that Indra was expecting her.

Clarke made her way over to the building that Indra used as her headquarter and requested entrance. Before long, she was told to go inside.

She found Indra eating at a table. Clarke stopped in front of it.

"Indra." she nodded.

"Sit down, Clarke." Indra took a bite out of a piece of boar.

Clarke silently sat down and waited.

Indra looked up at her for a moment, then looked back at the meat again. "Have you found your answers?"

Straight to the point then. Clarke hesitated, not sure on how to answer at first. "Some, not all."

Indra studied her. "You were not born here, Clarke. The way you and I were raised is not the same. Even if you find yourself closer to understanding, you will always find new questions."

Clarke looked down, knowing she was right. Still, she couldn't help but feel that her time here had in fact opened her eyes quite a bit. There was no way she could agree with absolutely everything that Trigeda culture offered, especially not with the brutality in their punishment, but a lot of things that didn't make sense before did make sense now, while others still baffled her.

"I think I underestimated what was at stake, the responsibility she carried, even though I carried the same." she offered. "I've seen the people that were freed from the mountain right here in the village. They're back with their families now. I know what she did it for."

Clarke searched a way to express herself. "First I felt that the price she had to pay to get them there was too high, but now I know that to her, it wasn't. It meant sacrificing all of us so from my point of view, naturally, the price would have been too high." Clarke paused for a moment, coming to a very simple conclusion.

"We are not her people." Clarke whispered, slightly saddened by the thought. "She never had any real loyalty to us, not compared to the loyalty she has for all of you."

She had known it of course, but knew now that even though the bond that they had formed had touched them both on an emotional level, it still hadn't been enough to let that loyalty waver. She wouldn't even have expected her loyalty to actually waver really, it's more like, she didn't expect her to turn on them so quickly. It hadn't just hurt her people, it had hurt Clarke, deeply. The price wasn't too high because Lexa's duty to her people came first, simple as that. She could see it in her eyes that this was a price she would rather not pay, but she was willing to, because of what it meant. Lexa's heart hadn't been willing to pay the price, but she simply didn't have a choice.

"_May we meet again."_

Clarke remembered again the words that Lexa had whispered right before she left, the whisper revealing the hidden hope inside them. Just like Clarke using Trigedasleng as she lit the pyre, Lexa's use of a phrase of the Sky People had been a sign of respect. A sign that Lexa hoped that Clarke would understand, that she would be able to forgive her. She genuinely hoped for it, that if that day ever came they would meet again.

"_I do care, Clarke, but I made this choice with my head and not my heart. The duty to protect my people comes first."_

Clarke understood it now, it really was as simple as that. She couldn't choose Clarke because she wasn't one of Lexa's people. If something had allowed her to choose Clarke, she would have, she could feel it. But nothing had allowed her to. She did care, it did hurt. But her own needs and desires didn't matter. Giving up her own happiness was a price she had decided to pay. Why did it have to be the Commander that Clarke had fallen for, why did it have to be the one who couldn't listen to her heart?

"You are not her people." Indra looked intensely into Clarke's eyes as she repeated the words. "She is Heda of our people, Clarke. There is no greater purpose, no greater duty. She makes decisions for the benefit of all of us, even if we don't understand them at first." Indra looked her in the eyes before she continued.

"Allowing you to light the pyre was not something I would have allowed you to do. But she did because she sees everything. She saw then that it would strengthen the truce, when she needed it to be strong. Even though I didn't see it then, she did and she granted you that honor. She had a respect for you that I didn't see and that is why she is Commander, because she sees things the way they are meant to be seen." Indra paused before she continued. "When she saw that she had to abandon you, Clarke, she didn't hesitate."

Indra's emphasis on the word 'you' made Clarke look up.

"That is why she is a great Commander." Indra finished.

Clarke was slightly confused. Indra's comment had sounded so personal, did she know? Did she know that she had shared something else with Lexa, something more? That this had been so much more than just being betrayed by an alliance? Clarke wasn't sure but she couldn't shake the feeling.

"I know." she muttered. She didn't want to know, but she did. "I know."

Indra eyed her up and down. "Do you have any questions for me, Clarke?"

She did. But also she didn't. Did she want to know where Lexa was? Yes. But should she ask? Did she really want to know?

"No, I don't." Clarke decided after giving it some thought. Not yet.

Indra looked at her as if trying to figure out what to make of Clarke's hesitation but the seemed to accept it for now and changed the subject while she took another bite out of the boar that had been forgotten during their conversation.

"I hear you are not unskilled with a bow." she said.

Clarke blinked at this entirely different topic. "Thank you." she said hesitantly.

"Don't thank me, you still have much to learn." Indra deadpanned. "A hunting party is leaving tomorrow morning. You will join them. Be ready at first light." Indra told her.

Even though Clarke had been pretty much Lexa's equal and Indra had obeyed her own commands when the alliance was still intact, the situation was very different now. Indra hadn't treated her with any disrespect, she had even allowed Clarke some space, but Clarke understood that this wasn't a request, but that she was being ordered to go. Since she had agreed to stay here and respect their ways, if Indra was ordering her to go, she would go.

"Alright."

Indra turned her attention back to the boar and Clarke realized that this meant their conversation was over. She nodded respectfully, got up and walked outside. This whole conversation had once again given her a lot to think about.


	5. Episode 5

**Not too long, this chapter, but I hope you enjoy what's in it :P**

**...**

"It's a deer." Clarke concluded. She looked up at Jorin, one of the other two hunters.

"Yes." he confirmed. He pointed at the tracks. "What else do they tell you?"

She leaned in closer and tried to see what he meant. Suddenly she realized what it was. "They are different from back there, they're further apart. He's running now, he wasn't running back there when we first saw them."

Jorin nodded. "Now find out why he was running. If you look hard enough, you will know."

Clarke followed the footprints a bit further along and suddenly saw the difference. "He fell over, right here, but he got up and kept on running. He started running because he was being hunted." she said. "He was hit with something here so he fell, but I see no other tracks, he got hit from a distance." she concluded. "There's blood here." She continued to follow the prints along. "He's limping." she realized. "One of the footprints isn't nearly as deep. He's been hurt."

Jorin grunted, his way of approving. "Find the hunter's tracks. The deer tells you where he came from."

She tried to approach it logically. "He'd run away from the hunter, not towards him, so he must have been somewhere over here." She walked in a direction, following her own logic.

After looking for a few moments, she saw them. "Boot prints, over here."

Jorin walked up to her and crouched down. He took a quick look at the prints before he looked up and scanned the area. "He's not one of ours, Trigeda do not have boots like these. He is one of your people."

Clarke was surprised. One of her people, all the way over here? That didn't make much sense. "How fresh are these tracks?" she asked. "It was not more than one day ago." he replied.

Clarke pondered this. They were quite far from the village, but they hadn't gone in the direction of the Ark at all, more like the opposite. Why would they have come all the way out here, it didn't make any sense. There were no other boot prints either which meant that whoever this was, he had been alone.

Brigen, the other hunter, suddenly spoke up. "The night is soon upon us, we must make camp." They followed the tracks into the forest where both sets of tracks merged paths. Before they could find out if the deer had been caught or not by whoever it was that was hunting them, the sun had gone down and they were forced to set up camp.

Clarke was tasked with starting the fire with Brigen, while Jorin prepared the game they had caught. An hour later the three of them were silently sitting around the campfire eating freshly roasted meat. Clarke was almost enjoying herself. They had left early this morning and had caught two small animals, one of which Clarke had proudly caught herself. Tomorrow they would find bigger prey which they would bring back to the village, her companions had told her. They were hardened warriors, clearly, but they weren't hostile. They appreciated her wanting to learn even though she knew they thought her survival skills resembled those of a child. She didn't even care, she wasn't born on Earth, she wasn't spoon fed their ways from the moment she could walk and she also knew that her hunting partners knew it too even though they could hardly imagine such a life.

If life could always be this simple, wouldn't that be something, she thought. Just sitting around a fire, eating some food. Clarke no longer felt any real anger towards Lexa. After all, hadn't Clarke made the same decision herself? Hadn't she betrayed her own allies inside the mountain because she had to? Somehow it seemed so obvious but she never even really considered it that way, maybe because she didn't want to. Because she wanted to be angry at her. The more time went by, the more Clarke had to admit that the choice Lexa made wasn't so different from the choice Clarke had made inside the mountain. Sure, if Lexa hadn't chosen the way she had, she wouldn't have had to, but no matter how they had gotten to that point and no matter who or what was the cause of it, what it came down to was that she basically had done the exact same thing. They had allies inside the mountain, she had tried to keep them alive. But when it came down to it, she did what she had to, sacrificed those allies and saved her own people. Just like Lexa had. It was clear to her now.

She found herself wishing that Lexa and her had been different people altogether. If they had met under different circumstances, they wouldn't be in this situation. They could have just explored what they felt, wouldn't have had to worry about everyone else. Would there have been the same attraction, she wondered. Being who they were was the reason they met, after all. Both carrying such a huge responsibility, in each other they had found a common ground, saw each other through the eyes of an equal, something they shared with no one else. Having that unique connection and the comfort they felt around each other, had allowed them to open the door and reveal what was underneath. Once they saw beyond the leader, they found the person hidden inside and that revelation had been the key something more. What came to the surface was a mutual desire, a need to be even closer. Their special bond was what brought them together in ways Clarke would have never imaged. At the same time, it had ripped them apart.

Would things have been different if they had just been two young women who didn't carry with them the burden of being responsible for everyone's lives? Would they have felt the same way about each other? Those were questions she knew she'd never know the answers to, but they continued to occupy her thoughts. She closed her eyes, tried to picture what that might have been like, if it were just the two of them, right here, but in another life. Her thoughts immediately jumped back to the moment Lexa had kissed her, vividly remembering her own need to kiss her back. She still felt that same need now, she knew. Would it ever happen again? Was she even ready for that? She still didn't know for sure.

Her thoughts were interrupted by the sound of twigs breaking nearby. It had been very quiet, so all three of them looked up at the same time in the direction the sound had come from. Brigen's hand went over to his sword as he slowly started to get up. The gunshot was so loud and sudden that it cracked a devastating hole into the night. It was completely unexpected and before Clarke was able to do anything, she watched in horror as Brigen's head violently jerked backwards and his lifeless body fell to the floor. Instinct took over. Jorin and Clarke both dove down behind a tree trunk for cover as another shot was fired. What the hell? Who was shooting at them?

She looked over to Jorin, who was breathing heavily, his hand covering his shoulder. She saw blood slowly seeping through his fingers. "You're hit." Clarke uttered.

He stretched his neck to see around the tree trunk, to find the position of whoever was shooting at them. "We found the hunter." he deadpanned.

"I think he found us." Clarke replied and looked over at the wounded warrior next to her. "I need to stop the bleeding." she told him, reaching up towards the wound.

Jorin grabbed her hand and shoved it away. "Later." He peaked up one more time to see if he could spot their assailant. "Why are your people shooting at us?" he demanded.

Clarke shook her head. "They wouldn't, that can't be one of my people, they wouldn't be shooting at Trigeda, they wouldn't be shooting at me." Clarke was as confused as he was.

"You can make it to that tree, we can flank him." Clarke offered. "I will cover you." She readied her bow and looked at the injured warrior next to her. "Ready?"

He nodded. "Go."

Clarke jumped up from behind cover and aimed for something, she wasn't even sure where the shooter was exactly, but she saw a figure and fired a shot aimed mostly by instinct. At the same time, another gunshot was fired, closer this time. It forced the both of them to duck right back behind their cover. They were totally pinned down. She cursed herself for not bringing her gun, but how the hell could she have foreseen this?

They could hear someone groaning quietly, but also footsteps that were coming closer.

"You have injured him." Jorin concluded. It seemed to be all he needed to know.

Before Clarke could say anything, Jorin had jumped up with his sword raised and threw himself on their attacker with a fierce battle cry.

"No!" Clarke yelled, but she was too late to stop him, she jumped up just as she heard the gun go off again. Her heart sank in her chest when she saw Jorin fall. She gripped her sword and prepared herself to attack but that's when she saw his face. Her immense surprise was enough to make her hesitate for just a moment too long. Before she could act, a sharp pain in her head caused her knees to buckle. She fell to the floor, not sure which side was up or down. She realized he had struck her in the head with the back of his gun. Even though her brain felt like it was bursting apart, she forced herself to look up as if she had to make sure she was seeing what she was actually seeing. Unable to do anything, she saw his blurry silhouette emerge above her. She was filling up with rage, but she was completely helpless.

"Emerson." she groaned, right before everything faded to black.


	6. Episode 6

**\- Theseeker96, that was an amazing comment, thank you so much.**

**\- Avarenda, soulterror, N Tonks Fan, thank you, you keep coming back for more!**

**\- Everyone else, your comments and reviews are my fuel, I can't express how much that means. Thank you.**

**On to the story, this chapter is slightly darker, especially the first part. Everything happens for a reason though, so I hope you all forgive me for it. **

**...**

"_Fire. Because you killed the innocent, it starts with fire."_

_Clarke was tied to the tree, her hands above her head. Lincoln stood before her, the blade he was holding was glowing bright with heat._

_Clarke panicked. "I had to, I tried to be the good guy but I had to!" she pleaded as he stepped towards her and pressed the blade against her abdomen without mercy. Clarke screamed._

_The searing pain lingered when Lincoln vanished, Indra suddenly in his place. She menacingly approached her._

"_You lie, Skygirl, you said they were all dead."_

"_No, I didn't lie, he escaped but I didn't know, I should have realized, but I didn't!" she yelled. This couldn't be happening. She had seen this happen to Gustus and to Raven, she had prevented it from happening to Finn. Now it was happening to her._

_Indra eyes pierced her own as she made the cut on her arm, slowly. Clarke closed her eyes and screamed, struggling but failing to avoid the blade, to avoid the pain._

_When she opened them, Octavia stood in front of her, knife in hand, black paint around her eyes, eyes that looked at her with disappointment._

"_You can't even trust yourself." she said before approaching._

"_No, please no. I'm doing the best I can." Clarke begged, but it didn't matter. She watched in horror as Octavia gripped the hilt tightly and made a cut on her other arm. Clarke screamed again, she couldn't help it._

_Clarke was breathing heavily, she didn't understand. She didn't deserve this, hadn't she done all she could with what she had? These were her friends, people she cared about. Why were they doing this to her?_

_She felt her heart sink in her chest when she suddenly saw Lexa standing in front of her. There was no mask on her face, no cover. This was the real Lexa, not the one that was hiding her emotions. Lexa was looking her straight in the eyes and all Clarke could see in them was a total lack of willingness to do what she knew she had to._

"_Lexa…" Clarke whispered, desperate to make her see that she didn't have to do what was expected of her, why couldn't she listen to her heart just this once?_

_Lexa's face showed nothing but sadness. "Don't be afraid Clarke, death is not the end."_

"_You don't have to do this." Clarke whispered. "We deserve better than this. You care about me, I know you do." Her voice dripped with pain, of pleading hope, if she could only make her see._

"_I do care, Clarke." Lexa swallowed hard._

_Suddenly they were back in Lexa's tent, the Commander's face mere inches away from her own, her hand behind her neck, fingers entwined in her blonde hair. When their lips touched, Clarke closed her eyes and tried to keep her there for as long as she could, leaning into her with her body, with her heart. When she felt Lexa move backwards she tried to move back with her, trying to extend the contact for as long as she could, but suddenly her hands were tied above her head again and her movement was restricted. She whimpered helplessly when she could no longer feel Lexa's lips on her own and reluctantly opened her eyes._

_She was back outside, tied to the tree. Lexa's face now had war paint on it, blood spatters covered her cheeks._

"_Love is weakness." Lexa raised her blade just like she had done with Gustus. She aimed it at Clarke's heart._

"_Please don't do this." It was barely audible, a whisper filled with despair._

"_I'm sorry, Clarke." Lexa spoke but was unable to keep the sadness out of her voice._

"_You made the right choice, Commander." Clarke looked next to Lexa where Emerson had suddenly appeared. Now he was the one holding the blade and slowly started to move towards her._

_Clarke filled up with anger._

"_You." she hissed._

"_I'm going to kill you." she promised, furiously. Clarke tried to kick and punch in an attempt to get away from the approaching sword as the rage rapidly built up inside her, but she wasn't able to move at all._

Still kicking and struggling to break free, Clarke violently broke free of her nightmare. She instantly opened her eyes but the searing pain that shot through her head forced her to close them again as she waited for the agonizing beating between her temples to go away. After a few moments she slowly tried to open them again, the weak light was enough to burn her eyes and the sting of pain in her head reappeared but she forced herself to keep them open. She started to raise her hand to her head, but she found that she couldn't. Clarke confusedly wondered why she couldn't find her legs, she couldn't feel them. Finally she realized she was tied up, her hands bound in front of her, her feet tied together as well. While she was unconscious she had been in an awkward position, causing her legs to become numb. Wincing with pain, she sat up slightly, attempted to stretch herself out to a more comfortable position as she tried to take in her surroundings.

She found that she was in some kind of cave but there was no one else here. She managed to raise her hands now because of how she was sitting and felt the stickiness in her hair and the massive bump on her head. She inhaled sharply and groaned to herself when she touched the massive bruise.

Emerson. That son of a bitch.

How could she have forgotten about him? She cursed herself. How could she not have realized that he could still be a problem, of course he had escaped. He had been treated, he had no need for a hazmat suit, he didn't die on level five with the rest of them. For crying out loud, why couldn't he just leave them alone, hadn't he done enough? Why did he have to come back for her? Revenge, she figured. Bastard.

He killed Jorin and Brigen, Clarke thought with pain in her heart, but yet she was still alive. Why? They were dead because he wanted her for something. What could he possibly want now? All his people were dead, he was already cured and he wouldn't have had the medical expertise to perform whatever bone marrow extraction anyway, so what could his reason possibly be besides revenge? Then why hadn't he killed her yet? Was he going to torture her? Was he going to just going to leave her here to die all alone, no one having any damn clue where the hell she was? Was he just going to let her rot?

She had to get out of here, fast. Whether he was going to come back or not, that was one thing she knew for certain. Whatever his plans were with her, they wouldn't be very pleasant, she was sure about that. She looked around her, searching for anything she could find to use as some kind of weapon. He had taken her bow and her sword of course. She felt in her belt for her knife but he had taken that too.

What is this place anyway? She took another look at the cave she was in. It wasn't large. There was a small corridor leading out from it, to the entrance, most likely. She saw a bed roll on the other side of the cave, no more than a few steps from where she was. There was a backpack, but she could see it was empty, as it lay flat on the ground. She saw some trash a bit further away in a corner. Some wrappings that had contained some kind of food, a tipped over bottle that seemed to be empty, a discarded tin can. This must have been his hideout for a while now, she realized.

A tin can.

Suddenly her eyes flashed back to it. Sharp edges. She took a quick look towards the entrance but she couldn't hear or see anything. She'd never get to it if he was here with her. Now or never.

Clarke threw herself on her side, ignoring the stiffness of her body and the throbbing in her head. She started to sort of worm her way towards the other side of the cave, limited as she was with all her limbs bound together. It took her more effort than she liked, but she finally reached it after scraping her limbs painfully across the dry floor. She snatched the tin can and started to make her way back to the spot she had woken up in but suddenly changed her mind. She grabbed the backpack and looked inside to make sure nothing was in it. Empty. She had to check. She placed it back exactly the way it had been, in the hopes that he wouldn't find out she'd been over to this side. She looked at the bottle, picked it up, confirmed it was empty and placed it back as well. She ran her hands over the sleeping roll, feeling for something that wasn't soft. Maybe he was hiding a weapon in it, who knew, but she felt nothing. After hastily scanning the rest of the area she convinced herself there was nothing here she could use and she started making her way back to the other side. She didn't want him to know she was awake yet, not if she could help it. It may give her some kind of advantage, she thought. Maybe not, but you never know.

On her way back her knee landed on something hard and the short burst of sharp pain made her wince for a moment. When she looked at what it was she saw that it was a small rock. Even though it was smaller than her thumb, she took it. When she finally made it to where she had woken up she was surprised at how exhausted she was. That blow to the head had taken it right out of her, she realized. She wondered how long she'd been unconscious, she had no idea. She felt hungry, how long had it been since she had been sitting by the campfire? She had been eating then, but she hadn't had a lot of meat before things had started to go crazy. She'd eaten earlier that day, but that night, she'd only had a few bites. It could have been two hours or two days ago, she realized.

She looked at the tiny rock. No sharp edges really, so she shoved it in her belt where she was sure he wouldn't see it and where it wouldn't fall out, then turned her attention to the tin can. There was no lid, which would have been way more helpful, so she had to make do with the small edges on the inside of the can, where the lid had been attached. She ran her finger over it, it wasn't very sharp at all, but she thought if she could get enough force on it for long enough, it would cut through the rope. She clumsily tried to maneuver her hands in such a way that she could somehow make the inside edge cut the rope around her wrists, but she found it was impossible. She first tried it while holding the can, but that didn't work. She then tried to put the can down and somehow make it happen, but that didn't work either. She simply couldn't reach the inside edge with the rope tied the way it was, with the limited movement that she had. She became slightly frustrated. She then tried it with the rope on her feet, maybe if she could sit a bit more like this, leaning to the side, she could somehow get it done. She tried it several ways, but realized that there was no way for her to cut this rope while the cutting edge was on the inside of the can. She sat back for a moment, closed her eyes, breathed out slowly, tried to regain her thoughts.

Not while it's on the inside.

I need to get the inside out, she suddenly knew. She opened her eyes in a flash. Rock! She dug up the tiny rock from her belt. It won't cut, she figured, but if I punch a hole in this can somehow, maybe I can break it and then bend it so I can get the inside out, she told herself. Then it would be possible to reach the ropes, at least. She put the can on the floor and gripped the tiny rock in her hand. After taking another quick look at the entrance and saw no sign of Emerson or anyone else, she took aim and smashed the rock on the tin can. It bent, but it didn't break yet. She smashed it a few times and smiled to herself when she managed to make a crack. She wiggled the rock into the tiny crack and widened it a bit, finally managing to tear it open even further. She had to punch a few more times on the top rim of the can in order to break through that. She stuffed the rock back in her belt and grabbed the can in her hands. Now bend it, she thought, bend the inside out. She told herself to be careful with the edges of the tear, since they would be sharp.

She froze. Sharp!

Those edges would be way sharper than the blunt inside edge of the can, she figured. After tracing her finger past it, she confirmed exactly that and cursed herself for her own stupidity. She carefully bent the can in such a way that she could have a safe grip and at the same time a sharp edge to cut with. She took half a second to look at her creation before she tried it out on the rope at her wrists. It worked!

It wasn't like she was cutting through it fast, not at all, but she could see the rope starting to fray slightly. This was going to take a while, but at least she had something now, this would work if she just kept doing it long enough. Determined, she started cutting furiously.

She wasn't even halfway through when she heard something, she stopped immediately and looked up to listen. Footsteps. Someone was definitely coming. A slight panic set in as she frantically searched for a place to hide her improvised cutting tool, she wanted to keep it on her in case he moved her somewhere else, but this was too big to hide behind her belt, he'd see it right away. Realizing he was about to enter, she stuffed it behind the edge of her pants near her hip, covering it up with her jacket. She could feel the sharp edge against her bare skin and quickly adjusted it. It was a little bit better, but she knew if it would be in this position for long, it would still start to cut right through her skin anyway. She ignored it and slumped back on the ground, hoping to mimic the position she had been sleeping in. She closed her eyes completely at first, but then opened them minimally, just as much as she dared. She wanted to see what was going on if she could.

Peaking between her eyelids, she saw a pair of legs walk into the cave. They stopped in front of her for a moment, before they moved on to the bed roll. She saw him grab his backpack and put something in it. She could also see the gun on his belt. He sat down on the bed roll, facing her. She closed her eyes and waited. She didn't want him to know she was awake yet, she wanted to know what was going on first. She heard him drink something and it suddenly made her realize how thirsty she was. She could feel his gaze on her even though she couldn't see it.

Be patient, Clarke told herself.


	7. Episode 7

**Sorry this took a bit longer, but I've been dealing with something of a tragedy in the family which has kept my mind rather occupied. I found it hard to focus on this, I had written a bunch but wasn't happy with it, then decided to rewrite the whole thing. Still not super happy with it, but I'm gonna post it anyway. Had planned to make it longer and include the rest of the scene but since it's already been a few days since my last update, I figured I'd post this so you'd have something to read while I figure out the details of the rest. Again thanks for the feedback, hope you enjoy.**

**...**

The sharp tin that Clarke was hiding in her pants was cutting painfully in her skin. Clarke hadn't dared to open her eyes a lot, but when she heard Emerson groan, she peaked through her eyelids and saw he had taken his shirt off and was bandaging his abdomen. So she did hit him, she thought. Good. She was mad at herself for hesitating after Jorin had gone down. If she hadn't frozen for a second when she recognized him, maybe she could have had him. Even if he had a gun. Or maybe he would have shot her on the spot. She didn't know. She still wished she hadn't hesitated.

From what she saw he was in quite some pain, but not enough to keep him from being able to walk about. Still, it was something she could use. She heard him fumbling with the bandages for a little while before she heard him eat and drink something. He never said a word, he was just waiting.

After what she figured was about two hours, he was apparently done with that. He got up, walked over to her, pushed her shoulder with his boot. Clarke didn't move. Apparently that was enough to convince him she was still asleep or unconscious and he walked outside. Clarke waited for a couple of minutes, maybe he'd just be out grabbing some water, he could be back any minute. But he didn't come back yet. Clarke took her chance and quickly wrestled herself upright, ignoring the sharp edge cutting her skin. When she was sitting again, she took out the tin can without even looking at the damage it had done. Furiously, she resumed cutting the rope. It still wasn't the ideal position to work in, but she had to make do. Her hand almost started cramping up from the weird angle she had to hold it in. After a few minutes, to her insane joy, she finally made it through. She immediately started on the rope on her ankles, it was indeed a lot easier to do now that she had her hands free. It took her maybe half the amount of time she had needed for her hands.

She quickly got up and stuffed the rope in her pocket just in case. She ran over to the backpack and checked it, he had put something in it after all. It was a dried piece of meat, but no weapon she could use. She took a bite from it and stuffed the rest into her pocket as well. She quickly scanned the area for anything else she could use but didn't see anything, so she took out her tiny piece of rock that she had picked up from the floor and gripped it in her hand in a way that if she threw a punch with it, the rock would be hitting whatever she was hitting. She made her way over to the entrance, but just as she was about to enter the small corridor, she heard footsteps. Close.

The footsteps had hardly registered in her brain when suddenly Emerson was standing in front of her, a look of surprise clear on his face. It took Clarke a fraction of a second to act this time. She took a huge swing at him, aiming for his head. When she connected with his face, she knew the rock had hit him. He stumbled backwards with a scream, trying to stay upright. Clarke didn't wait for him to regain his footing and lunged at him, kicking him hard in his stomach, sending him flying backwards some more, landing on his back. She took another swing at his face but somehow he managed to block it with his arms and she only hit him half as hard as she had wished. She kicked at him, he screamed when she hit him so hard in the shins that it even hurt her own foot. She whacked at him again, aiming for his head, she hit something and he went down again, looking hazy. This was her chance, she jumped over him and made a run for it. She ran down the corridor a few steps, but before she could turn the corner she heard a large bang, which somehow smashed her into the wall hard. She didn't take the time to find out what the sound had been, pushed herself up and kept on running.

Suddenly everything was bright. She'd reached the exit and was now standing outside, the sun high in a clear sky. Clarke started running as fast as she could, panting heavily. She was in a forest, she didn't know where she was, which way was north or south, where the Ark was, where Tondc was, she'd have to find out later, right now, all she wanted was to get away from here. She ran towards an area thick with trees, hoping to be able to shake him there if he was still following her. She wasn't going nearly as fast as she wanted and found herself out of breath before long. She picked up a large branch and hid behind a tree for a moment, trying to figure out if he was still behind her. It didn't take her very long to hear him. He was right on her trail, she realized.

Suddenly a gunshot was fired again and it impacted right on the tree she was hiding behind. He knew where she was, she realized. How?

"It's no use, Clarke!" she heard him yell.

Clarke kept quiet.

"You're leaving breadcrumbs." he said, much closer this time.

Breadcrumbs, what the hell was he talking about? Clarke braced herself, gripped the branch in her hands like a baseball bat, ready to take a swing at him. She kept as quiet as she could and listened to his footsteps, slowly approaching her. When she thought he was right next to her, she jumped out and swung the branch as hard as she could. Unfortunately he had expected her to do exactly that. He easily ducked from it and kicked at her feet at the same time, sweeping them out from under her. She fell flat on her back, knocking the wind right out of her, but she wasn't done yet. She rolled to the side and got up, at the same time taking another swing at him. She missed. Clarke was now completely out of breath and could hardly stand. What the hell was going on, she had a better constitution than this. Before she could try anything else, she saw him standing there with his gun aimed right at her. She knew he'd fire it before she could even come close to taking another swing at him. Fuming, she lowered her branch.

"You don't get to escape, Clarke, not after what you did." he said.

Clarke stared at him, trying to figure out a way to get out of this. She felt slightly light headed and it annoyed her. She needed her wits right now.

"Now I'm wondering what I'd prefer more." he spoke. "Shall I shoot you right here, or shall I let you slowly bleed out?"

Clarke wasn't sure what he was talking about. Bleed out? She looked down at herself and finally saw what he meant. She was bleeding from a wound in her stomach. Clarke felt confused for a moment. Where did she get that? Suddenly she realized what he meant with breadcrumbs. He had shot her in the cave while she was escaping, all he had to do was follow the blood trail. She hadn't even realized he had hit her, or that it had even been a gunshot. She had been so pumped up with adrenaline that she didn't even notice she got shot. Now that she did know, the adrenaline seemed to leave her system instantly and she could feel the pain that came with it. She groaned, but she wasn't ready to give up yet.

"So that's what this is? Revenge?" she asked him.

He stared at her for a moment, clearly raging inside. "You killed everyone I know."

Clarke looked at him incredulously. "Seriously? I wouldn't have had to if you weren't planning on doing the same to us." She was panting. "I didn't want to do what I did, Emerson, but I had no choice. I just wanted my people not to die on your butcher's tables."

"We just wanted to get to the ground, Clarke." he said flatly, as if that was his explanation and she was simply supposed to take it.

"And that's a good excuse for bleeding out human beings like cattle?" Clarke scoffed. "If that's what you have to tell yourself to justify the monster you've become, go right ahead, but don't even try to tell me that you wouldn't have done what I did if you had been in my shoes."

He didn't reply, he still just stood there pointing the gun at her.

Clarke kept going. "You're not the good guy here, Emerson. Maybe I'm not either, but you sure as hell are the bad guy, not me. If you hadn't listened to your good buddy Cage, all of your people would still be alive, but I guess it's easier to blame me for it."

He winced at hearing the name. Clarke wasn't sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing.

"I offered Cage a way out." she continued. "I offered him the chance to let my people go and everyone in there would still be alive. He turned it down. Can you really stand there and say that you don't understand why I did it?"

Emerson shook his head. "It doesn't matter. I owe them this."

"You owe them my death? So why didn't you kill me back there? You could have just shot me and gotten it over with, just like you did with Jorin and Brigen. Why keep me alive? Were you waiting for an apology? Yes, I'm sorry they're all dead. But am I sorry I did it? Forget it. You were drilling holes in them, what the hell did you expect me to do?"

"It doesn't matter anymore." he repeated.

Clarke stood there, waiting. Slightly confused too. She was becoming more and more light headed and she found it difficult to keep standing. She must have lost quite some blood. Clarke frantically searched for any way out of this, but her mind was fuzzy, she couldn't think of one. The pain in her stomach was stinging hard, she found it hard to focus.

His face hardened, he gripped his gun tightly. "What's that thing they say? Yu gonplei ste odon. Seems rather appropriate." He aimed it right at her head.


	8. Episode 8

**\- melissa891, what you said about this story feeling like it's actually part of the real story line, and how they are in character with how they are being portrayed on the show, that's the best thing you could have said to me, it was exactly what I was going for. With every line I write down, I pretty much sit back and think 'would that person say that?' Thank you so much. I hope I continue to succeed doing that. Maybe I should send this as my resume to The 100 writing staff and apply for a job, that would be awesome. :P Thank you again.**

**\- N Tonks Fan, thank you, I am ok. We lost someone, all it took was a virus and five days :( Been a tough one to swallow. However, life goes on, right? Let's keep living and loving.**

**\- Thanks for all the comments, everyone, sorry for the cliffhanger last time ;) Enjoy.**

**...**

Clarke couldn't see a way out, not this time. She was hardly in any shape to fight him, injured as she was. Even if Emerson was injured to some extent, he still had a gun and all she had was a tree branch. She couldn't think clearly, her entire body hurt, her head was spinning now and for a moment she even thought she saw the trees moving behind him. Holding the branch seemed to take way more effort than it should. This can't be the end of it, she thought.

"Why didn't you kill me at our camp?" Clarke asked, her voice unsteady.

"I didn't know what I was going to do with you yet." he replied. "Or maybe I wanted to look you in the eyes, I want you to know what you did."

"Believe me, I know exactly what I did." she hissed.

He stared back at her. "And now you'll die for it." His face hardened, she saw him squeeze his lips together and she knew that if she didn't find a way out right this very moment, it would be the last moment of her life. In a desperate attempt to do anything at all, she ducked to the side with all the strength she had left, trying to dive towards him after. She didn't have much faith that it would work, but what else could she do? She wasn't going to wait for him to shoot her just like that. If she was going down, she'd go down fighting.

When the gun went off she felt herself being thrown to the side and on the ground. It didn't hurt as much as she thought it would, or maybe she didn't really know what to expect at all. She just figured that being shot point blank and knowing it's about to happen, would have more impact than this. As she lay on the floor, she could hear someone screaming in the distance, many different voices even, it confused her. She looked around and saw a lot of movement around her, people were running everywhere. Suddenly someone was touching the wound on her stomach, someone was calling her name.

She wasn't dead, she realized. Did Emerson miss? Was he going to finish the job now? She saw someone appear above her, she raised her arms in a weak attempt to fight him off, tried to punch something, but she was barely able to lift her hands up. She saw several figures now, but her vision was blurry, she couldn't see who it was. Between all the voices and the yelling she heard, one voice stood out above all the others.

"Clarke!"

She blinked a few times when she realized whose voice that was. Clarke immediately stopped her attempt at struggling when she heard it. She looked up at the person above her and forced herself to focus her eyes. When she finally did, she saw her face clearly now, while the other ones around her seemed to blend in with the background.

"Lexa?" she uttered.

"It's ok, you're safe." Her voice was soothing, comforting. When Clarke heard it, she instantly believed she was indeed safe even though she had no idea what had just happened or how they got here. Lexa was crouched down beside her, her hand firmly pressing on Clarke's stomach where her bullet wound was, the one she got in the cave. Her face showed worry, but also determination. Someone else put a bandage on top of Lexa's hand and she removed it from under it, allowing whoever it was to apply further pressure with the piece of cloth.

"You are strong, Clarke, you will not die today." Lexa said reassuringly, possibly even to reassure herself. Clarke slowly caught up with what was going on. She wasn't dead yet, they came to get her.

"You're here." Clarke mumbled.

Lexa squeezed her arm for a moment. "Yes." she said softly.

"How?" Clarke mumbled. "How did you find me?" She couldn't stop looking at Lexa. Yesterday she was still wondering if she was ready to see Lexa again, but she wasn't wondering anymore. She couldn't have been happier to see her face. They came for her. Lexa came for her.

"Later." Lexa replied calmly.

Lexa looked at someone that was crouched down next to her and whoever it was nodded at her, indicating they would take care of her, that she was going to be alright. Lexa looked back at Clarke when that same person lifted up Clarke's head and held up a small bottle in front of her.

"Drink this." he said. Clarke looked at Lexa who nodded to her, urging her to drink it. Clarke closed her eyes while she drank the liquid. It was water, but there was something in it, it tasted sweet. While she drank she noticed how thirsty she had been and she wanted to keep drinking, they had to slow her down a bit.

"We will get you back to the village. Stay strong." Lexa told her. She looked her in the eyes for a moment longer, then got up and walked a few paces over to some other people that Clarke hadn't even noticed yet.

"Gyon em op." she commanded them.

While her wound was being bandaged, Clarke followed Lexa with her eyes. She saw Emerson on the ground, several warriors around him, not that he had much fight in him left. He was still alive, but he had an arrow sticking out of his side and one out of his shoulder. On Lexa's command they dragged him up on his knees to face her. He was clearly in a lot of pain. Lexa was standing right in front of him in the intimidating way that only she could manage the way she could. Indra was standing next to her. Lexa looked down on Emerson as if she tried to burn him on the spot with nothing but her stare.

"You should have stayed away." she told him in a dangerously low voice. "You will die for this."

Emerson was in so much pain, he might have fallen forward on his face if the warriors weren't holding him up. He looked up at Lexa briefly, then seemed to accept his fate, he knew there was no way out of this one. Clarke knew how it felt. She thought she had no way out a few moments ago, but suddenly she was rescued. By Lexa. Emerson would have no rescue and Clarke wasn't sorry for it either. She briefly wondered what Lexa would do, if he would be dragged back to the village and put on the tree or if he would die right here. Clarke didn't have to wait long to find out.

Lexa stepped forward and gripped the arrow that was sticking out of his shoulder, mercilessly yanking it out of him, causing Emerson to scream in pain. She put her hand around the arrow that was sticking in his side, looked him straight in the eyes and yanked it out just as hard. He screamed even louder but Lexa's face didn't show any compassion whatsoever.

Lexa held up the arrows next to her own shoulder and someone took them from her without needing to be asked or told to do so. She drew her sword and raised it towards him.

"The Mountain Men are all dead. You die alone." she said, cold as ice.

Without hesitation but still very slowly, she ran the sword straight through him. He gasped one last time before his chin fell on his chest. Lexa withdrew the sword, no sign of regret or mercy visible on her face.

She looked down on his dead body with utter despise, then after a moment she nodded to her men. The two that had been holding him up dropped him like a sack of potatoes on the floor. Emerson was dead. Lexa turned her head towards Clarke, who had been watching the whole thing. Clarke realized how similar this had been to the dream she had, right before she woke up in the cave. She remembered it vividly. In the dream she promised to kill him when he was about to kill her in much the same way that he had just been killed by Lexa. This was better, she thought. So much better.

Clarke became drowsy, most likely the result of whatever they had given her. The pain in her abdomen was also starting to fade away slightly. Lexa walked back to Clarke and crouched down next to her once more. She felt Lexa's comforting hand on her shoulder.

"You're safe, Clarke." Lexa told her, her face a mixture of concern and relief. "Stay strong, we'll do the rest."

Clarke fought the sleep that was slowly taking control of her. She wanted to keep seeing that face for a bit longer. "You're really here." she whispered.

Lexa nodded at her, "Yes, I am." A faint smile appeared on the young Commander's face. The Commander that came back for Clarke.

Clarke smiled back, or at least she thought she did, but her vision slowly faded to black. She didn't notice being lifted onto a cart that was being pulled by horses and that she was brought to a nearby village. She didn't notice her bullet being removed, that they cauterized the wound or that she was being bandaged up and put into a bed.

She didn't notice that Lexa stayed awake all night and watched over her.


	9. Episode 9

**Once again I am sorry for taking long to update and for the shortness of this installment, but I've just been to two funerals in two days and I'm sure you can all understand that writing wasn't the first thing on my mind in the past week. I finally sat down and finished this one, I had it partly written. I want to thank you all for your kind words, both about the story and about the personal stuff going on. I hope you enjoy episode 9 :)**

**...**

Clarke slowly became aware of the fact that she was awake. Even though the room was lit only with a few candles, it took her a moment to get used to the light before she could properly open her eyes. She was warm, comfortable, but not aware of where she was exactly. It didn't take her long to realize she was in a bed. Her arm felt stiff, she tried to move it but a sudden sting of pain shot through it and she quickly put it back down. She tried to move her other arm, that did work. She moved it from under the covers and rubbed her face a bit, for some reason that felt good. She closed her eyes for another moment. It was so quiet here, she couldn't hear any voices.

How did she get here? Lexa got her here, she suddenly remembered. Everything that had happened came back to her in a flash. Emerson. He's dead. Lexa killed him, she saved her. I got shot, she thought. She lifted the covers with her good arm and checked herself. She was wearing a shirt, when she lifted it up she saw her abdomen bandaged up, all the way around. Pretty tight too, she noticed.

"You are awake." suddenly someone said with a voice that revealed a hint of surprise.

Clarke lowered the blanket and looked in the direction the voice had come from. She saw a man standing in the entrance way, a bowl in his hand. He had apparently just come in and found her awake.

"Yeah." Clarke replied, her voice hoarse. She coughed, trying to clear her throat, but regretted that instantly. The pain in her stomach was not agreeing with it. She laid back down again, waiting for the pain to subside.

"I'll get you some water." The man walked over to her bed and set the bowl down on a table next to it. He grabbed a bottle and handed it to her. "Here. Slowly."

Clarke nodded and took a welcome sip. It had that same taste of sweetness in it that she remembered from earlier, but not as nearly strong in this one. She drank a bit more, but she took his advice and did it slowly. She didn't know who he was, but assumed he was some kind of healer, or at least someone who was here to take care of her. Where was here anyway?

"Where am I?" she asked him.

"You're in Cliffton." he answered. "It's a small town, less than an hour away from where you were found. My name is Aivo, I took the bullet out of you and bandaged you up."

"Ah. Thanks, for that." Clarke answered him. She took another sip.

"How does it feel?" He pointed at her stomach.

Clarke shrugged. "It's fine. As long as I don't move."

"Then don't." he said. It was almost a command, really, but it wasn't unfriendly. Just a healer giving advice to his patient, so Clarke took it as such.

"How is your arm?" he wondered.

"What happened to it?" Clarke didn't even know yet. She knew she got shot in the stomach when she was running out of the cave, he had hit her in the side, but she had no idea about the arm and why it was so stiff.

"It feels bruised. But it's alright, I guess." She answered.

"It should feel fine in a couple of days. Try to move it around slowly every now and then." He got up and walked over to the door and walked out. Wait, where was he going? Before she knew it, he was already back. He walked over to a table nearby where he picked up a plate before he walked back to her.

"The bullet only grazed you, you were lucky. Are you hungry? Try to eat something." He sat down next to her and held out a plate with some pieces of fruit on it.

"What bullet? When?" Clarke couldn't figure it out. She never got shot in her arm, did she?

"Right when they found you, he shot you." he explained. "They told me that you threw yourself at him and that's when our warriors shot him. That's why he hit your arm. It still threw you down, you were already weakened, but it didn't do much damage. The wound is superficial."

"He missed." Clarke repeated. "The arrows made him miss."

"Yes, and the only thing we really had to worry about, was that one." He pointed at her stomach again. "Now, are you hungry? You need to eat to get strong again."

Clarke considered this for a moment. He was aiming the gun at her point blank and right when she took a dive towards him, that's when they had shot him with the arrows. That's why he hadn't fatally shot her. He had missed, hit her arm, which turned out to be a superficial wound. Their timing couldn't have been better.

She suddenly realized he was waiting for a reply. "Yes, actually, I am." she said quickly, taking the plate from him. She grabbed a piece of fruit and put it in her mouth. She hadn't had a proper meal in what felt like forever and the sweet taste of it was amazing.

"How long have I been here?" she wondered.

"They brought you in two days ago, right before dawn." He handed her the bottle again. "Drink some more. You will sleep soon and you need the water." He stared at her for a moment while she did what he asked. She put the bottle down.

"You are awake sooner than I thought." He looked at her with some admiration. "You are strong, Clarke of the Sky People."

Clarke didn't reply, she didn't know what to say, instead she just drank the water and took some more fruit.

"You must rest some more." He said, while he took the now empty bottle from her. "Your body needs sleep, you need to heal."

She agreed, she was tired and sore, but the fruit and the drink had done her good.

She had to ask. "Is the Commander here?"

"Yes." he replied. "She hasn't left the village yet, I don't know where she is now exactly, but I sent someone to let her know you woke up." He took the now empty plate as well.

"You did?'

He nodded. "She asked to be notified." He got up and put the plate and the bottle on the table. "You should really rest now. I will inform her of your progress."

Clarke wondered to herself if she should try and stay awake, maybe Lexa was going to pay her a visit. She wanted to thank her, but she also had so many questions. She wanted to ask her how on earth she was able to find her, or why she even came to get her in person. She traced the bandage on her stomach, making sure to not touch any sore parts. She'd been lucky, they had arrived just in time. She still couldn't quite believe the simple fact that they actually showed up, Lexa herself even. She decided to try and stay awake for a while, see if she could talk to Lexa, ask her all the things she wanted to know. She was quite comfortable now, no dangers looming any time soon, she figured a few minutes longer wasn't going to hurt her.

By the time Lexa did show up only a short while later, Clarke had already drifted off to sleep, unable to resist the herbs in the water she drank, her body still exhausted and injured. Injured, but healing. Lexa talked to Aivo at her bedside, where he told her they had talked, she had been coherent and curious and had eaten something. After he left, Lexa sat down for a few minutes and just looked at the blonde young woman sleeping, her own thoughts and conflicts battling inside. She only stayed for a short while before she went back to her Commander duties.


	10. Episode 10

**Thanks everyone once again for all the feedback, it's such a pleasure to read. **

**\- Firefly154, I hope the previous chapter and perhaps this one might clear up some things about Clarke's injuries.**

**\- dangerousgreen, your comment tickled me in so many ways, thank you so much for taking the time to write it.**

**\- Interp86, if you are binging, I must be doing something right :P Thank you for reading, I hope this one doesn't disappoint.**

**Enjoy the next episode, I know I enjoyed writing it. Thanks all.**

**...**

Clarke was sitting on the side of her bed after she had just paid a visit to a toilet. Aivo had allowed her to walk around a bit, which went better than expected. Since there was nothing wrong with her legs, she had convinced Aivo that walking was going to make her feel a lot better instead of just lying in bed the whole day. She had been right, walking had done her some good even though she hadn't even left the room. It had still taken her a lot of effort, so she was sitting down again. Aivo had just changed her bandage, she was now eating some food. There was fruit, but she had also asked for some meat.

She had seen her own wounds. The cauterized scars weren't pretty of course, but she didn't even mind. There was the one on her arm and two on her abdomen. Aivo had told her exactly what he had done, interested as Clarke was in the medical side of things. When Emerson had shot her in the cave he had hit her in the side, the bullet had embedded itself right under the skin of her abdomen. It had been easier to make a small cut in her abdomen to retrieve the bullet, after which both wounds were cauterized. Somehow no massive damage was done inside her body, all her organs were functioning perfectly.

She hadn't talked to Lexa yet. It had been two days since she woke up, but she had slept a lot and hadn't been awake for long periods at a time. Aivo had told her she had stopped by but it had been when Clarke was asleep. She was told that Indra had returned to Tondc, since she was no longer needed here.

"Your wounds look good." Aivo told her.

Clarke nodded at him. "They feel fine. I mean it hurts, but it feels like it's supposed to feel, I think." she replied.

She took another bite of deer. She already felt a lot stronger than she did just two days ago, but she was nowhere near her old self, she knew that too. She also knew that the only way she'd be her old self again was to give her body time and to eat, to give it the strength back so that's what she was planning to do.

While Clarke had been awake, she started having some doubts in her mind about talking to Lexa. She was grateful for what she had done, there was no question about that, but they still hadn't had a proper conversation since Lexa left her at Mount Weather. The more time went by, the more Clarke started having second thoughts about what to say. Lexa had hurt her more than anything after all, but somehow she did show up when she needed it most. Was this Lexa's way of making it up to her? Did she feel guilty? Was it payback for Jorin and Brigen and Clarke just happened to be saved along the way? Clarke wanted to think that she came back for her but she wasn't sure and it made her slightly apprehensive. She did want to talk to Lexa, but she wasn't sure how the talk would go exactly. So much had happened, so much was said, so much needed to be said, so many feelings were involved. This was so complicated.

Before she could prepare for it any further, suddenly there she was. Lexa walked through the door and entered the room. Aivo bowed his head respectfully. "Commander." he said. Clarke stopped chewing only for a second.

"Gon osir we." Lexa said. Her eyes were fixed on Clarke, but it was clearly meant for Aivo, who nodded and silently left the room. Lexa waited just inside the room until he had left, then took a few steps towards Clarke but still kept a respectful distance. There was no war paint on her face, she looked casual, Clarke thought, even though she didn't think that was the word to describe her. She still looked like a force to be reckoned with.

Neither of them spoke for a moment until Clarke broke the silence. "Lexa."

Lexa nodded. "It's good to see you well, Clarke." Lexa replied. Her voice sounded neutral, too neutral. Clarke could hear she was keeping up a front again.

Clarke put down the plate she had been holding. "I suppose I have you to thank for that."

"There is no need." Lexa replied.

"Still, it's what we do, remember? That's who we are." Clarke returned.

A faint smile appeared on Lexa's face but it disappeared just as soon as it had appeared. "I remember." she said.

Lexa walked over to a table and picked up a piece of fruit, she put it in her mouth and stood with her back to Clarke for a moment. "I hear you have been asking Aivo many questions."

"I have." Clarke replied. "But he doesn't have a lot of answers."

Lexa turned around to face Clarke. "I do."

Clarke pondered this for a moment, Lexa was clearly telling her to ask what she wanted to know, but about what exactly, Clarke wondered. Does that include everything that happened at the Mountain? Or simply about this? One question was burning her mind above all others.

"Why?" she asked.

Lexa frowned. "Why?" she questioned.

Clarke realized she was asking for clarification, which part exactly. She decided to give it. "Why come and get me, was it just vengeance for Jorin and Brigen? Blood for blood? Was I just lucky to still be alive when you got your vengeance? Why did you join the mission yourself? How did you even know about it or how to find us?" she rambled.

Lexa took a moment to reply. "Which question do you want answered first?" she asked patiently.

Clarke took a breath. Slow down, she told herself, let's start at the beginning. "How did they know?"

Lexa sat down on a chair, facing Clarke. She was clearly taking an inviting position, open to questions, willing to answer. Clarke was kind of grateful for it. If they could just get the facts out of the way, then they would see what comes after, she figured.

Lexa started explaining. "You didn't return from your hunting mission when they expected you to, Indra sent out scouts to find you. They found Jorin a few miles from where you had set up camp."

"A few miles?" Clarke repeated, surprised. "How?"

"He had been severely injured, but not fatally. He managed to get himself about halfway back to Tondc when the scouts found him. He told them what happened, that Brigen was killed and that Emerson had taken you but he hadn't killed you."

"Jorin survived?" Clarke asked surprised. "How is he?"

Lexa shook her head minimally. "He is still recovering. His injuries are worse than yours. We do not know yet if he will make it, but he is strong."

Clarke had thought all this time that Jorin was killed at the campsite, now she found out he hadn't only made it out alive, he had told everyone about what happened to her. She owed this man her life, she realized. "That's… I'm glad he's alive. I suppose I owe him one."

Lexa nodded quietly and just sat there waiting for Clarke to ask the next question so she did. "Then what?"

"A scout went on to find the camp and look for tracks while the others brought Jorin back to Tondc. Another went on ahead to inform Indra. She immediately sent out a search party." Lexa explained.

"She did?"

"You are surprised." Lexa frowned slightly.

"I guess I am. I'm not one of you." Clarke responded.

"You were a guest in the village, Indra ordered you go to go on this hunting mission and that means she carries a certain responsibility for you." Lexa explained. "You went on this mission as one of our hunters, you could say as an apprentice. They would have gone back to get Brigen's body, no matter what. If you had been dead, they would have taken your body too and returned it to your people. But Jorin knew that you were not dead, he saw Emerson take you with him. They found your camp, his tracks weren't very hard to follow. We were close when we heard gunshots, they led us to you."

"How did you know about it?" Clarke asked. "I thought you were in Polis."

"I have known you were in Tondc from the day you arrived, Clarke." Lexa said simply. "Indra had sent me a message about your arrival and the news about the Mountain Men you brought with you." she paused for a moment. "I was not in Polis. Not yet."

Clarke remained quiet, hoping Lexa would continue. It worked. "I had told Indra to keep me informed about you. I was traveling through different villages to oversee the choosing of new generals and leaders. Many were killed in the Tondc attack." she said.

Clarke just nodded, not sure what to say considering her own role in that.

Luckily, Lexa kept going. "Indra knew exactly where to find me and when, I have received daily messages from her. About everything." She paused, as if she was trying to emphasize that this included Clarke.

"When word reached her about what happened to you, she sent out a rider to me immediately. I wasn't far away from Tondc when the rider reached me. Indra had already left with a group of warriors and we followed and caught up with her."

Clarke stared at Lexa for a moment, trying to read her.

"You followed." she echoed Lexa's words.

Lexa nodded, again one of those nods that you can hardly see but it was definitely there.

Now she had to know. "Why?" she asked.

"Why?" Lexa repeated again.

"Why you?" Clarke clarified, even though she had a feeling Lexa knew exactly what she was asking.

Lexa remained quiet for a moment so Clarke continued. "The warriors were way ahead of you, they would have found me with or without you. Why join them? Why you?"

Lexa still didn't answer, she was possibly searching for words to use, words that would conceal the true answer because she wasn't sure how it would be received.

"Was it guilt? Were you making up for something?" They both knew what she meant. Clarke didn't really believe it was guilt, but she asked anyway, needing to hear her reasons, needing to hear them out loud.

Lexa sighed. "I had to put my people first, Clarke."

"You're not answering my question." Clarke retorted.

"Then ask it differently." Lexa said calmly.

Clarke bit her lip. What was she asking exactly? She realized that in her heart she had already forgiven Lexa for doing what she did, but she still felt like she had to let Lexa know exactly how it had felt to her. Did she want Lexa to suffer like she had? No, that wasn't it, but for some reason she did need her to know that it nearly broke her. She needed to hear her say it, she needed to hear her say she had no choice, that she would have chosen another way if she had one. But also she wanted to know what Lexa felt. Not what the Commander had to do, but what Lexa felt about it, how she felt about Clarke. Even in her own mind Clarke found that rather conflicting, but she just had to know.

Clarke rephrased it. "Did you come for Brigen's body and Emerson, blood for blood? Or for me?"

"Both." Lexa said shortly.

"I could have died at that mountain when you left, but I didn't." Clarke replied. "Why leave me then and come get me now?"

"Now I wasn't responsible for thousands of lives. This was one man." she explained.

"You could have left it to your warriors. Why you? What changed?" Clarke pressed on.

"Nothing changed."

Clarke shook her head. "Everything changed."

"No. Nothing has. I do care, Clarke, I told you this before, I wasn't lying." Lexa said quietly.

Clarke bit her lip again. She cares, she still does. When she heard her say the words she felt her heartbeat increase slightly but tried to ignore it. She didn't want to have feelings for Lexa in this very moment, she wanted Lexa to own up to leaving her to die.

"You care, but you still left." she said, her voice unsteady.

Lexa raised her chin up and looked Clarke straight in the eyes. "Ask me your question, Clarke."

"How did it feel when you knew you were going to take the deal?" Clarke asked, unable to hide the somewhat bitter tone in her voice.

"I did not like leaving you behind, if that's what you're asking. I didn't want to." Lexa looked at Clarke intensely. "However, I know that you are strong and smart, you are resourceful, I was hoping you would find a way and you did." she paused. "But I had to, I had no choice. Now I did."

"Do you know how it felt seeing you walk away?" Clarke whispered.

Lexa nodded. "Yes, I do." she replied just as quietly.

"Do you really?" Clarke asked somewhat sarcastically.

Lexa lowered her head and her voice, she spoke to her own hands. "Knowing you might die and still walking away was far from easy, Clarke."

Clarke stared at her for a moment, pondering what to say. She couldn't stop herself from asking. "How quickly did you know you were going to take Emerson's deal?"

Lexa raised her head. "Immediately." she said honestly. "But coming to terms with what that would do to you took a lot longer to accept." she added.

Lexa gripped Clarke's eyes with her own. "I do not regret the decision I made, Clarke. I can't." She said it quietly, reluctantly almost, but Clarke could feel her need to be truthful. In a weird way she appreciated it.

Lexa swallowed before she continued. "You ask me why I came back for you. I couldn't come back for you at Mount Weather, but I could come back for you now, so I did. Not because of guilt, more like another chance. The last time I couldn't help you, this time I could. What I did at the mountain, I had to do. I didn't want to, but I had to put my people first." she paused again.

Clarke couldn't stop her eyes from welling up slightly. "I know."

"You know?" Lexa frowned.

"Yeah, believe it or not, I understand." Clarke replied, almost spitting it out, not wanting it to be true but knowing that it was. "Lexa, I've had a lot of time to think about this and I'll be honest with you. I trusted you. I turned out to be wrong and it was devastating when you walked away. It was devastating that I had to kill every one inside that mountain to get my people out, but I did. Then I had to come to terms with the fact that I do get it, that I can't even hate you for it."

Lexa's raised her eyebrows. "You don't hate me?"

"I wanted to." Clarke whispered.

"But you don't." Lexa concluded.

Clarke looked at her for a moment. "No." she admitted.

"You're angry."

"Yes, at myself, because I didn't see it coming and I should have." Clarke replied. "I ended up doing the same thing, I killed the people inside the mountain that helped us. I was angry at you, yes, but now I'm more angry at myself because I was blindsided. I thought that we shared something, that I broke down your walls, I was wrong."

Lexa swallowed again, her face went soft. "You were not wrong, Clarke."

"But love is weakness." Clarke concluded quietly. "Was any of it even real?" she asked.

"Yes." Lexa replied immediately. Her face now sad, almost hurt.

"Did it matter to you?" Clarke asked.

"It still matters, Clarke." Lexa whispered.

"But it didn't matter enough, because after everything, I was still an outsider." Clarke said, trying to keep the bitter out of her voice, the sadness of knowing Lexa couldn't have chosen her, no matter how much they both wanted to, the reality of the situation they were in. "You said you trusted me. I trusted you too. That was my mistake."

"You don't trust me anymore." Lexa concluded, her voice revealing sadness but not surprise.

Clarke wanted to confirm it first, but changed her mind. "No, I do." she said. "I trust that you will always choose your people over outsiders, over me."

"Do you believe me when I say that I wanted to choose you?" Lexa asked softly.

"Even if I do, does it matter? You couldn't. You still can't, can you?" she questioned. "I'm still an outsider."

"In my heart, you're not." Lexa replied, unable to keep her own voice steady now.

Clarke swallowed a lump in her throat. "The heart that Commander Lexa switched off for the occasion."

"Clarke…" It was a painful whisper, almost pleading.

Clarke looked at the young woman in front of her, thinking back to the moment in the tent, right before they kissed. What she wouldn't give to have a carefree Lexa, one who was able to just give in to what she was feeling.

"Can you ever just be Lexa, instead of the Commander?" Clarke asked.

Lexa didn't respond. Clarke didn't know that was because Lexa wanted to say yes, but didn't think she could. Lexa kept quiet, not trusting her own reply if she actually spoke up.

"Ruling with your head, I get it." Clarke continued. "But Lexa, love is not weakness, it's the biggest force on earth. Sometimes, sure, you have to choose with your head, but you are not always the Commander, you can be Lexa who has a heart and who feels." Who feels for me, she added in her head, but didn't say it out loud.

"You turned off your feelings because you got hurt." She kept going. "I get that. Trust me, I do. But sometimes decisions need to be made with your heart and not your head. You turned off your feelings for personal reasons, but you use that to rule your people. That doesn't make sense to me. You should be able to separate them, that would make you so much stronger."

Lexa blinked, she took a breath. "It's not that simple." she countered, caught slightly off guard.

"It never is. That's why knowing when to listen to your heart is so important, but you refuse to try." Clarke replied.

"I tried." Lexa responded softly.

"Try again." Clarke deadpanned.

Lexa sighed deeply, Clarke realized she wanted to, but every fiber was telling her she couldn't. She was still clinging to the fixed idea in her head that shutting off your feelings was the way to go.

Clarke took a deep breath, she looked down at her own hands for a moment before she looked up again at Lexa. "So where does this leave us? What happens now?"

She saw Lexa swallow, but trying to hide it. "I don't know." she said, looking at her hands and shaking her head.

Clarke stared at the young woman in front of her, she could see that Lexa was struggling just as much as she was. She could see it in her eyes, her pose, her whole body. This was so frustrating, two people who clearly share such intimacy between them yet they were so far apart because they weren't able to act on it, or they didn't know how. The few steps between them seemed like the biggest ravine that they didn't know how to cross.

"I guess we're back to just surviving. Maybe we don't deserve better after all." Clarke whispered.

Lexa stared at her for another moment, her face filled with sadness. She was pondering how to respond, struggling inside with all the things she wanted to say instead of the things she had to. She decided not to reply to it, instead she got up.

"I should go. You need to heal." she said quietly, trying to excuse herself.

Clarke stared up at the woman she still desired even after everything. "I think we both need to heal." she said pointedly.

Lexa searched Clarke's gaze and kept it for a few seconds, before she nodded, acknowledging that Clarke wasn't wrong. She then turned and walked towards the door. Right before she reached it she turned around again and looked at Clarke for a moment, clearly deciding if she should speak or not.

"If it means anything," she started hesitantly, turning her gaze towards the floor, "leaving you at the Mountain was one of the hardest things I ever had to do." Lexa looked back up at Clarke.

Clarke didn't respond, she was just staring at Lexa, thinking how vulnerable she looked at that very moment. She found herself wishing more than anything that they were different people, living a different life. Lexa waited for a few more seconds but when Clarke didn't say anything, she turned and walked out the door.

Clarke took a deep breath and released it slowly. They had finally said all the things they needed to say. She felt relieved, but also exhausted. She had needed this talk, she knew. She had forgiven Lexa, but during the talk she had been somewhat surprised about how bitter she still felt about some things, how she needed to hear Lexa give her certain answers, to hear her say it with her own voice. She had needed to tell her all these things, she needed Lexa to know how much she had hurt her, even though she realized that Lexa knew exactly what this had done to her. She still felt the need to say it to her face, to have it said out loud. She also needed her to know she understood, that she did get it, even though it nearly broke her. All this had to be spoken, she had to hear from Lexa all the reasons she had for doing what she did, she needed her own thoughts confirmed. She also needed to know that Lexa also felt that they did share something, that she didn't imagine it, that it was the Commander that betrayed her, even though Lexa didn't want to. Now that it was all out in the open, they could move on from it, she figured.

She laid back down on the bed, resting her head on the pillow and closed her eyes for a few seconds. She opened them again and stared at the ceiling. Move on to what, she thought. She had no idea.


	11. Episode 11

**Apologies! This update took way too long. Let's just say life happened, I fell into somewhat of a hole and crawling out is harder than it sounds. Still working on the way up, but gotta start somewhere, right? :)**

**Also, I had a bit of a dilemma on how I wanted this to continue. I mean, I know how and what and I have some pretty clear ideas on what happens later, just the problem was getting them there. I wasn't sure about that and I needed it to work. Combine that dilemma with all the other stuff going on and the result is that not a whole lot of productive things were happening.**

**It's a short installment, a little 'in between-er' I guess. But I owed you guys this, because you are fabulous. Once again, thank you for reading and enjoying. Thank you for leaving comments. I hope you keep doing so.**

**...**

Clarke just finished getting dressed after another good night sleep. The wound in her side wasn't even bothering her that much, at this point it was more itchy than painful and she had to stop herself from fiddling with it. As long as she took it easy, she was fine. She had decided that a walk outside would do her good, the walls in this room were becoming all too familiar and she needed to get out of here and get some fresh air. She straightened her jacket and stepped out the door.

She blinked a few times to get used to the sunlight and when she did, she noticed there was no one around. She could hear voices and started walking towards them. After a few seconds she found herself on what looked like the town centre. It was clear that the town was much smaller than Tondc. She saw some heads turning in her direction but no one really stared. Anyone that saw her just simply noted her presence and went on with their business.

Clarke walked over to a cluster of tree stumps, correctly assuming that those were used as seats. She sat down on one and leaned back, taking in her surroundings and the people around her. She only saw a handful of warriors, most people were dressed in casual clothes, going through the motions of their daily routine. She saw some people at what looked like a slaughterhouse of some sorts, they were skinning a dear with swift and practiced motions while another deer was hanging from a rope, blood dripping out of its neck. She looked in the other direction and saw a few kids running around, chasing each other, wrestling each other to the ground. She figured they couldn't be much older than six, realizing that the warrior training for them was basically already starting through their play. All of those kids were potential warriors.

She closed her eyes for a moment, relishing the sunlight on her face. It had been a while since she felt it. Before coming down to Earth, she'd never felt the sun on her face, but she realized that during her recovery inside, she'd missed the feeling.

"I see you are well." A familiar voice spoke.

Clarke opened her eyes and found them looking at the young woman in front of her. "Lexa."

Lexa nodded. "Clarke."

There was a moment of silence. They hadn't really spoken since their tense conversation two days ago, apart from a few brief visits by Lexa to see how she was doing. They had been short visits, neither of them really knowing what else to say besides the 'how do you feel' and 'getting tired of these walls' comments. There was still a huge elephant in the room that neither of them knew how to address.

Lexa sat down next to Clarke, who adjusted herself slightly, sitting up a bit. The uncomfortable silence lasted for a few seconds. Clarke wondered how long Lexa would stay here in Cliffton. She couldn't imagine it would be much longer before she had to go. Looking at this town, there wasn't much commanding to be done, she figured. She also realized that Lexa probably didn't have much reason to be here other than Clarke herself. That thought gave her a slight rush of blood to her cheeks but she tried to shake it off.

"Aivo tells me you have recovered enough to travel." Lexa broke the silence, Clarke was grateful for it.

"Yes, he told me the same this morning. As long as I take it easy, I'm good to go." she replied.

"Good. Tomorrow you will go back to Tondc." Lexa announced.

Clarke pondered this a moment. She wanted to go back, sure enough, but she still kind of dreaded a long journey. She was fine strolling through the town, but walking all day? She wasn't close to being her old self yet and she knew it.

"How far is that from here?" she asked.

"It can be done in one day but with you traveling along, there will be an overnight camp." Lexa answered.

Two days of walking. Clarke released a sigh. "Lexa, I admit I am eager to go back to Tondc and I'm feeling a lot better but I'm not sure I'm up for a two day walk yet."

"You are not." Lexa agreed, causing Clarke to look at her questioningly. "That's why I have arranged a horse for you." Lexa stated simply, a faint hint of a smile appearing on her face for a moment when she saw the relief in Clarke's eyes.

"So tomorrow morning." Clarke looked to the woman next to her, who nodded. She realized that Lexa was probably going back to her Commander duties, visiting other towns. The thought of parting ways with Lexa wasn't very appealing. Even thought things between them were still a little tense, she didn't want to say goodbye just yet, there were still things left unsaid, she felt. She just wasn't sure how to address them, or even what exactly they were. Clarke didn't know what it was that she wanted but she knew she didn't want to leave Lexa just yet.

"So…" she started hesitantly, looking at Lexa. "Where are you going next?"

Lexa turned her head to Clarke, catching her eyes. "Tondc." she replied, "I'm traveling with you."

Her horse calmly followed the one in front of her. Clarke closed her eyes for a moment, the rhythmic steps of the horse almost had some sort of hypnotizing effect. She tried to relax a bit and tried to ignore the feeling in her behind after a whole day of riding, something she was still getting used to. She felt safe, surrounded by several of Lexa's guards riding next to and behind her, Lexa herself riding in front of her. They had been traveling for most of the day with a few breaks here and there, more than they would have had if Clarke hadn't been along for the ride. She knew the traveling pace of a convoy like this would be much faster but after all, the purpose of this one was getting Clarke to Tondc and she wasn't fit enough to travel at the rapid speed they normally would. Clarke felt silly for thinking she had to walk all this way, of course they would have horses, that's how the Trigeda got around.

When Lexa had announced that she was traveling with her, Clarke didn't know what to think of it. She wanted to think that Lexa accompanied her because of her, but she couldn't stop herself from thinking that Lexa simply had duties elsewhere and this was just a convenient opportunity for her to get where she needed to go. She knew Lexa still cared about her, their talk from before had made that clear to her, but they still seemed so far apart that the fact that they both still had deep feelings for each other just didn't seem to matter in the grand scheme of things. Lexa would never be hers, she feared. Whatever this was or was becoming, Clarke didn't want it to be just a casual onetime thing. If this was ever going to be something, she would be in it for the long haul and she needed Lexa to be on that same page. If she was to have her, she wanted her one hundred percent and she simply didn't feel like Lexa would ever be able or willing to give that. A part of her would always be the Commander. Clarke feared that on those terms, it would never go further than it had gone already. It would remain a memory of a kiss in a tent.

Still, Lexa could have left before Clarke was able to travel but she had waited. Lexa could have sent a bunch of people after her to see if she could be rescued, but she dropped her other duties and came for her herself. It was all so contradicting. Clarke was an outsider and Lexa could never choose her, yet she seemed to take every opportunity to be around her anyway, went out of her way to save her life even when she had other things to attend to. Way to turn off your feelings, Clarke thought with a slight smirk on her face. Lexa couldn't cross the line, but she sure seemed to be balancing on it.

Lexa held in her horse until Clarke's had caught up with hers and they were riding next to each other.

"How do you feel?" she asked.

Clarke smiled slightly, not planning on telling her that her backside was starting to feel like stone. "I'm good. Glad I didn't have to walk."

Lexa gave her a small smile. "Horses do the walking for us."

"That they do." Clarke replied, looking at the woman next to her for a moment. Lexa looked so natural on her horse, while Clarke still felt like a wooden puppet sometimes. She had been given some lessons and she was getting used to it more and more, but it just didn't compare to Trigeda, who were probably taught to ride not long after they learned how to walk.

Lexa was looking up at the trees, or maybe past the trees at the sun that was slowly starting to lower itself.

"How are your wounds?" she wondered.

Clarke looked down at her own body. They had been bothering her slightly for the past hour or two, but not so much that she felt like she couldn't move on. "Well, they're not bleeding." she said.

Lexa understood. "We will set up camp soon, it's starting to get dark and we're almost at the clearing we were aiming to reach before nightfall. The journey tomorrow will only be half as long as it was today."

Clarke nodded, watching Lexa as she spoke. Her words had sounded reassuring, letting her know they were close to resting for the night. Clarke realized she had understood that Clarke's answer had been neutral, not admitting that she was slightly hurting, but didn't feel like complaining about it. She had learned that Lexa was very perceptive long ago. Shutting off your feelings didn't mean she couldn't read those of others very well. Clarke figured that must be even harder, having to make all those decisions while you know exactly what that feels like to those you make those decisions for, but you have to make them anyway. Clarke studied Lexa's profile for a bit from the side when Lexa turned towards her and captured her eyes for a brief moment, before averting them back to the road in front of them because one of the guards had raised his hand. They had reached the clearing.


End file.
